I really hoped that this week I would be able to write to my loyal readers about my triumphant victory over Glen “Big Baby” Davis in Horse, forcing him to remain another year at the University. Unfortunately, Davis is a coward and has yet to show his face on the court. Davis, my challenge still stands, though there is obviously no shame in running to the NBA so you don’t have to lose to me at your own game. On a completely different note, I’ve been attending many parties at peoples’ houses and apartments lately. I’ve noticed every time something bad happens someone calls a “party foul.” There are obvious party fouls like spilling a drink on the carpet or fighting, but some are less obvious. These fouls are far too arbitrary, and someone needs to write a party rule book. While not an entire rule book, I can lay down a few key “do nots” of partying. Singing the incorrect lyrics to a song is a definite party foul. For example, “Shot through the heart, and you’re too late” are not the words to Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.” Look to your left. Look to your right. Two of you did not know that. The words are, “You’re to blame.” Get it right. Wearing a fauxhawk will always be a party foul in my book. Let me guess. You also came to the party at midnight wearing your aviator sunglasses and a pink polo. You’re a manly man, ain’tcha? Stop popping collars. This is also a party foul. There is never a good reason to have your collar popped unless you’re black. Not that I think it looks good on black people; I just give them the benefit of the doubt on all style-related issues. If you are attending a keg party where the host is charging a small fee for drinking, do not pay it in loose change. Change is meant to be used for Jack in the Box and that snack that you “need” at the gas station after the bar closes. If there is beer pong, supply a cup for washing balls. Dirty ping pong balls can spread disease, and no one wants that. One of the biggest party fouls is spilling your beer on the cards during a drinking game. It makes the cards sticky and gross. If you’re so drunk you can’t put a cup on a table, maybe it’s time to drive home.
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