Forget everything I’ve ever said about Al Gore, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or any other presidential hopeful. I don’t have to vote for them anymore. The clear choice in 2008 is finally running.
Dr. Stephen “Tiberius” Colbert, D.F.A., is running for president, solely in the state of South Carolina.
As the host of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report,” Colbert unleashes a venomous collision of slippery metaphors with enough fire to burn the sun. His rhetoric can be heard by two out of three countries in North America. He isn’t bothered by polls, which he refers to as “a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in ‘reality.’ And reality has a well-known liberal bias.”
Colbert isn’t one of the elites. He isn’t a member of the Factinista. He isn’t one of the brainiacs of the Nerd Patrol. His opinions come straight from the gut. He believes the Panama Canal was built in 1941. You can look it up. Maybe some of you will look it up and find out that it’s not true, but that’s because you looked it up in a book. Next time, use your gut, and your answer will never be wrong.
Colbert gets it. He’s one of the it-getters. As a fellow it-getter and potentially his new “mixed-race friend,” I urge the tens of you reading this on campus and the millions reading this online to stand behind the “truthiness” of the South Carolina native.
On the road to winning three Emmy Awards and two Peabody Awards as a writer for “The Daily Show,” the sardonic pundit filed reports in a style indescribable by today’s lexicon. I’m forced to make up a word to describe Colbert’s delivery and sense of relevance, for it can only be known as “opinionewsical.” While not on the same inventive level as Colbert’s “truthiness” or “wikiality,” the “opinionewsical” nature of Colbert’s hard-hitting journalistic style is unique in character without lacking in substance. Because of the astronomical success of his info-tainment satire of news on “The Colbert Report,” Colbert has received many awards and honors. In addition to his Emmys and Peabodys, he has an honorary doctorate of fine arts from Knox College and has had an ice cream flavor, a baby bald eagle, an airplane and a day in Oshawa, Ontario named for him. Time Magazine selected him as one of the 100 most influential people in the world in 2006.
He now has a chance to become the most influential person in the world.
People have wondered around the country whether an average Joe with a TV show like Colbert could actually run for president. Barry Levinson turned this concept into the feature film “Man of the Year” in 2006. Robin Williams plays Tom Dobbs, the host of a comedic political talk show who runs for president and wins, partially because of his traditionally unorthodox views and opinions but mostly because of a voting machine conspiracy perpetuated by Jeff “The Fly” Goldblum.
Some critics of his decision correctly claim he would take away votes from Democrats, which would lead to another Republican in office. Most of the talk among presidential hopefuls, however, has been about changing the discourse of Washington, D.C. The only problem with this is the lack of a candidate not associated with Washington discourse. I was raised to believe that anyone could be president, regardless of social standing or class level. While not true on any accord – for proof, look at the race, gender and class of every president in history – Colbert could change how America is viewed by the rest of the world. Instead of a continuation of stale ideas, relentless jargon and unstoppable partisanship, why not introduce someone with no government experience but rather a wealth of knowledge gained through common sense?
There need not be any worry about political platforms, fundraising or campaigning in key states. Colbert’s candidacy serves as a miniature revolution of sorts, with more information – and with that more power – in the hands of run-of-the-mill Americans. Presidential candidates can make moves, campaign in particular areas or speak to union-heavy crowds to sell a potential, yet faulty, plan for America. All Colbert needs is a megaphone and a podium, and the shockwaves of his truth can be felt from sea to shining sea.
Who else could tell President Bush to his face, at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, to “pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty because 32 percent [approval rating] means it’s two-thirds empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.”
So join me, it-getters of the world, to share in the radiant vision of Colbert. We can join together to shake the foundation of our country and our future. Stephen Colbert is America, and so can you.
—–Contact Eric Freeman Jr. at [email protected]