I’m a big fan of googling things – it’s how I learn when I don’t have time to watch TV. I was googling Saturday night while my Tigers were kicking ass in Death Valley, and discovered something that brought me to my knees: there’s no such thing as LSU football erotic fanfiction.
Shame on you, LSU. Shame on you.
Some of you have no clue what erotic fanfiction is, I’m sure – you’re part of the problem. So I’ll kick you some knowledge. Real fans of something write their own fictional stories about the things they love because they can’t get enough of their favorite stories any other way.
Erotic fanfics are a different beast. They’re just like regular fanfics, only the characters are having sex.
If you ever wondered what it would be like if Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock got it on, rest assured that legions of Trekkies have answered that question. Harry Potter fans who’ve been dying to see the wandplay between Hermione and Hagrid can finally have their answers. Erotic fanfic is everywhere. It ends all debate.
Only real fans write erotic fanfics, point blank. I don’t care how many Tigers turn out any given Saturday; true believers bleed purple and gold 24/7 – when they’re online, when they’re blogging, when they’re lonely and can’t face another night alone without release …
I digress. My point is, authentic Tigers will do anything to show their school spirit. Anything. And that’s why I’m here: To think thoughts you don’t want to think, to feel things that you’re afraid to feel. I’ll prove my Tiger Pride is limitless, because you won’t.
I love my school through “literature.” So here goes. The world premier of LSU Football erotica …
“Oh my god,” Lindsey pants, “I’m your biggest fan.” It’s not every day a fan gets the chance to meet LSU’s star quarterback in the locker room. Her LSU jersey is purple and gold, just like her heart. There’s a look in her eyes that shouts she’s not the woman to cross. Not now. Not ever.
Matt Flynn smiles. He knows he’s the go-to guy on the best college football team in the nation. He knows that moments like this – these post-game meet-and-greets with adoring fans – are what real Tigers live and die for. The fact that the ladies are pretty is just lagniappe, just another day in Death Valley.
“So,” Flynn says, all cool, “what’s your major?”
“I’m an alum,” Lindsey replies. “But I graduated last year. Do you want to know what I studied?”
“Yeah, sure,” Matt says, noncommittal.
“Having your babies,” she replies.
The moment stretches out for an eternity, taut as a tightrope and twice as dangerous. This is something that doesn’t usually happen to Matt. Not in front of the team.
“Um, um, really?” he sputters. The rest of the guys on the team start snickering. “What was the curriculum like?” It’s a lame comeback, but it’s the best he’s got.
Lindsey smiles a knowing smile, a cat toying with a mouse.
Her smile dies, all mirth gone. “Really long,” she says, “and really hard.”
Crap, Matt thinks, this is not going the way I expected.
The team’s cracking up at this point.
Lindsey takes a deep breath. “Yes, Matt. I’ve devoted my life to loving football. And, whether or not you know it, you are football. You. And I need you. I need to be yours. For the children.”
Matt smiles. He hopes this will stop.
It doesn’t.
“Our babies would be superbabies, Matt. Born to Tiger Pride, a love of LSU instilled from the cradle that will last beyond the grave. It’s not that I think you’re hot – although I do – it’s that LSU needs us. LSU has given me a sign, it’s given me a chance to get you alone. I can make my pitch.” Lindsey pauses for a second.
“Listen, I don’t know what you think you’re doing here,” Matt begins, “but – ”
Lindsey interrupts, her confidence back. “I want to go man-to-man with Matt Flynn in front of the offensive line. Only this time, they’re not blocking anything.”
“Look, lady,” Matt begins, “I don’t know what kind of movies you’ve been watching, but this isn’t Cinemax. I’m not looking for some crazy stalker who throws herself at me. I want something real.”
“‘Nothing’s realer than LSU football,’ Matt. Coach Miles said that,” she retorts.
“No he didn’t,” Matt replies.
“Well he should’ve, then,” Lindsey purrs as she walks to Flynn.
They stand stock-still, like movie stars trapped in their own cinema verite.
She leans in, kissing him. When they touch, sparks fly.
Then they came together.
And the offensive line – for the first time ever – stood by and allowed the soundest sack this season …
Thanks for reading the first ever LSU Football Erotic Fanfic. It won’t be the last, readers – I’m pleased to announce the first Daily Reveille LSU Football Erotic Fanfic contest.
Write your own, and post it in the comments section of this column at www.lsureveille.com. Keep it PG-13.
The contest is open until Oct 15 at 5 p.m. I’m the judge, and the winner gets a shout-out in my column next week and a secondhand television.
Now write, minions.
—Contact Neal Hebert at [email protected]