Quick quiz: With war raging in Iraq, homes rotting away in New Orleans and bridges falling down in Minnesota, what’s the best use of almost $7 million of taxpayers’ funds? If you answered “None of the above,” then you’d be right, according to the federal government. The New York Times reported Sept. 28 that the government spent $6.5 million on redesigning a new citizenship test. The updated test better addresses the “diversity of the groups who have influenced the country’s history.” I’m sure most of you have spent half your waking moments incensed about the lack of diversity on the citizenship test. There is a dispute about whether the test is harder for immigrants to pass. Although the pilot program with the new test showed a higher pass rate, immigrant groups argue it requires much more study than the old test and therefore discriminates against the majority of working immigrants who have little time to do so. What does not seem to be in dispute is the probability that more than half of Congress probably couldn’t pass any type of civics test. All this talk about wasting money and being more selective made me realize this is something the University needs to consider. Think about it: our Student Government spent $1.1 million on its own offices and wastes scholarship money on patronage. The University, led by the Flagship Agenda, is seeking to be more exclusive. If SG were to take away more of our lunch money with a few new fees, this dream of combining waste and selectivity could be realized in the form of a new test given to all incoming freshmen. We could instantly know whether students entering the University really deserve it. I’m a little tired of scavenging campus for free food, so I want in on the money paid out to design this test. I have some diverse questions that need to be included. 1. If Mike VI’s large habitat were suddenly to become unusable, which would be the better replacement: Sean O’Keefe’s mustache or the space underneath Les Miles’ hat? 2. What blood alcohol level is required to think that the “Gator Chomp” looks cool and intimidating? 3. What is one meaningful accomplishment of SG that benefited actual students? 4. What is the logic behind naming a team you’d like to win after the losing side in a war? Reference the USC Trojans and Ole Miss Rebels in your answer. 5. Which is funnier: the look on the Kentucky coach’s face after the Bluegrass Miracle or the look on Spurrier’s face after the fake field goal? 6. If Nick Saban and Cassie Alsfeld were both asked to betray their principles for money, who would sell out quicker? 7. What the heck does the name of Michael Denton’s column, “Drafting on the Outside,” mean? 8. Which is scarier: Glenn Dorsey or an attempt to schedule a test in the Computer Testing Lab? 9. How many mascots does Auburn have this week? 10. What is the best reason for why you’re going to hell, according to the folks in Free Speech Alley? 11. Would it be inappropriate for the Student Section to chant some derivative of “Don’t tase me, bro” at the Florida game this Saturday? 12. How much money does the PAC-10 pay out every year to be so highly overrated by the media? 13. By what percentage do your chances of contracting lung cancer increase when you walk by the smokers in front of Middleton Library? 14. How many years of bankruptcy would follow a Glen Davis and Herman Johnson trip to Mr. Gatti’s or Great Wall? 15. Who uses cruder language: the inebriated student section chanting at South Carolina or Cassie Alsfeld talking to a Daily Reveille columnist? 16. Explain with certainty the meaning of any sculpture in the sculpture garden. 17. How many new sidewalks are torn up each day on campus? 18. If Trindon Holliday ran backwards, would he go back in time? If SG were to introduce a test like this, it would teach our student representatives an important lesson in how to be leaders in the mold of the federal government. Freshmen will finally have the oppurtunity to take a test for college with questions they actually want to answer. If you’re not a freshman but still want the answers, don’t fear – our blog at www.lsureveille.com has the answers.
—-Contact Michal Denton at [email protected]