I’ve played with pigs and ran with chickens. I’ve bounced on a jumping pillow. I have allowed myself to get lost in a maze. Never before, though, have I ever shot an Arab in the face with an ear of corn. And some people actually have the nerve to question why Louisianians are considered so racist. All of the above activities can be found at Porky’s Corny Conundrum, one of 1,200 corn- field mazes ready for exploration. The Port Allen attraction is a subsidiary of the MAiZE, a corn field maze company specializing in creating giant pathways from fields of corn. Begun in 1996 by Brett Herbst, a Brigham Young University graduate from Salmon, Idaho, the first corn maze was built in American Folk, Utah – no, I’m not making that name up – and became the largest corn maze in the Western United States. After 11 years and a Guinness world record, the MAiZE has expanded to more than 190 locations, including mazes in Canada, Great Britain, Italy and even Poland. I’m not sure if Poland knows what a corn launcher is, though. For those of you who don’t know what a corn launcher is, it’s exactly what it sounds like. A partial ear of corn is loaded into a giant, pressurized cannon and shot at extreme velocity. According to the MAiZE’s Web site, appropriately named cornfieldmaze.com, visitors can “come and take your best shot at Bomin’ our targets with our corn launcher.” If shooting food at targets instead of feeding the hungry sounds too cruel for you, the maze also offers a “water baloon launcher” where visitors can load “baloons” into extra large sling shots. There’s no mention of what “the targets” are on the Web site. For one dollar, five tickets are given in exchange for five shots. The targets are actually 10-foot tall, painted wooden panels. The closest and easiest of the five targets is a turkey. The other four, however, inspired this column. Three of these four are painted with Arabs on camelback, while the fifth target, furthest from the launcher, is an ominous portrait of someone vaguely resembling Osama Bin Laden. The Arabs are depicted with petrified faces, animated beads of sweat shooting from their turban-wrapped heads, but the most interesting part of the panels is the absence of a gun or rocket of any kind. Do you know how it feels to shoot an unarmed Arab in the face with a corn launcher? I have to keep remembering that I live in Louisiana, and racism runs rampant down here. I’ve never seen anything like this though. When I saw it, two thoughts raced through my head: How can people be so ignorant? And if I hit Osama, do I get a prize? Eventually though, I thought the Port Allen branch of the corn maze could take it further. If it’s OK to indoctrinate racism in our children, already viewed as spoiled rotten by the rest of the world, why not instill some more good Christian values into their heads? Why not paint a panel with a white hand shaking a black hand for why unity should be tolerated? A panel could be painted with two men shaking hands because, as everyone knows, two men shaking hands must obviously be gay. Some of you think shooting Arabs on camelback makes a perfect family outing. Regardless of whether you align yourself with Daily Reveille columnists Neal Hebert or Michael Schouest regarding the term “Islamofascism” – personally, I’m with the former – this corn maze is supposed to provide a family-friendly atmosphere; simply shrugging off the fact that Port Allen is a twisted place will not do any favors as far as our collective intelligence or demeanor goes. There is nothing remotely redeeming or even patriotic about firing vegetables at the enemies we are killing in reality. This corn maze essentially provides basic training for youth and will obviously better prepare them for battle when the Iraq war becomes old enough to drink. According to a review by The Western Producer, “Mothers tell kids not to play with their food, but an American farmer is inviting people to do just that.” If this is what America feels like, I’d like my check, please. If any person has anything remotely good to say about this disgusting take on patriotism or values, please let me know. I defy anyone to give me the upside of indoctrinating our children to hate, as opposed to instilling within them compassion and tolerance. I’m not saying all of the most evil things in the world will simply go away if we click our heels three times and scream “There’s no place like home.” I am saying I’m glad I don’t have to live in Port Allen.
—-Contact Eric Freeman at [email protected]