Welcome to college, incoming freshman class of 2013.Please allow me be the first to congratulate you on your admission to this great pinnacle of higher education.I’m sure by now you’ve been barraged with friendly advice from your elders regarding how to get the most out of your collegiate experience. Don’t listen to them. As we all know, college is about questioning authority and not relying on others to make decisions for you.That said, I highly encourage you to blindly accept everything I am about to say as absolute fact.If you really want to make the most out of college, here are some suggestions:1. Demand respect. If you want people to pay attention to you around here, you have to act like you own the place. Don’t be a campussy.2. One of the best ways to gain the aforementioned respect is by gloating about your high school “accomplishments.” Exaggerate. Who will know that you were really second string, not second team all-state? Which leads me to my next point:3. Be sure to wear your high school letter jacket. Don’t let the fact that the University is home to one of the nations best athletic programs intimidate you. All people really care about is the success you had in high school athletics. Russell Shepard has nothing on you.4. If bravado isn’t your motto, there are other ways to fit in. You can, for instance, invest your entire identity in something that’s completely superficial. The University has plenty of clubs and Greek organizations that would be more than willing to take your tiny ball of insecurity and mold you into matching replicas of themselves. 5. If activism is your forte, you can try fixing the government by joining a political action group. Don’t be deceived by logic or history, you actually can change the State with a few picket signs and some cool bumper stickers. Yes you can!6. Skip class frequently. Attending class requires an unnecessary level of dedication. Trust me — It’s better to be an “A” sleeper than an “A” student. Besides, your future can wait through a few years of snoozes and a few thousand dollars in tuition expenses.7. Wear your high school class ring. Nothing says maturity like clinging to the past like a wet security blanket.8. Buy a house. No one has ever lost on real estate. Anywhere. Ever. Besides, if your parents really love you, they should be more than happy to subsidize your luxurious living standards out of their retirement savings.9. Introduce yourself to your favorite sports stars as “their biggest fan.” Nothing says cool like asking for autographs from people that are virtually the same age as you. And athletes love the constant intrusion.10. Objectify everything. Especially the opposite sex. Dignity and self-respect are for people who can’t get laid. Which leads to my next suggestion.11. Never use protection. Condoms, after all, are a sign of weakness. Don’t let that dirty slip of rubber get in the way of making all your wet dreams come true.12.  If objectifying people isn’t your bag of beans, that’s fine. Just fall madly in love with the first person you meet at college. As they say, 60 percent of the time freshman relationships end up in a happy marriage every time.13.  Take advantage of the University’s great on-campus parking. Thanks to our University’s fantastic traffic system, you’ll never have to worry about being late to class.14.  Schedule as many 7:30 a.m. classes as possible. That way if you actually do decide to go to class, you can stay up all night, go to class, and then sleep all day. It works everytime.15.  Apply for easy credit. By the time you graduate, the economy will be so robust that you won’t have any trouble paying off your student debt. If you tap your toes together three times and make a wish, your debt magically disappears. Just ask the class of 2009.To recap: Enjoy the moment. Never think. Just do. Don’t be tricked into believing that college has anything to do with demonstrating initiative, personal responsibly, intelligent effort or expanding your boundaries. In reality, it has everything to do with enjoying yourself in spite of your better judgment.And if you somehow fail, make excuses. Play the victim. It’s what mature people do when things don’t go their way.In conclusion, the most important thing you need to realize about your college experience is that the less you put into it, the more you get out of it.Welcome to college, boys and girls. Enjoy it at your own expense.—-Contact Scott Burns at [email protected]