Last week’s headlines were dominated by two shocking revelations. First, there were Harry Reid’s comments about President Barack Obama and his adorable ‘negro dialect,’ which can evidently be turned on at KFC and off at the country club. The statement appalled me. My jaw dropped faster than Senator Reid’s approval ratings. Never before had I even imagined rich white Democrats might think to use a black man as a political prop to benefit their own self-interest. My mind exploded. Politicians using people like Trojan condoms? Absurd. But then another bombshell was dropped. Home run legend Mark McGwire admitted he used steroids. My heart shriveled up like McGwire’s testicles. A Big Mac containing illicit, unhealthy substances? Say it ain’t so. Sure, these confessions might have seemed obvious. But people shouldn’t be able to pry us from our own custom-designed fantasy bubbles. Stating the obvious should be a crime. Obviously. We shouldn’t have to live in a world tied down to that nasty whore called ‘reality.’ We shouldn’t have to listen to ‘financial experts’ who say our economy is crashing faster than a John F. Kennedy Jr.-piloted private jet. We shouldn’t have to watch Nick Saban raise another BCS trophy. Instead we should be allowed to stay in our own personal Neverland – a world where up equals down and fiction trumps reality. We should live in a world where Michael Jackson never touched little boys, Megan Fox doesn’t have more than 3,000 lethal STDs and Haiti was just a fairy tale island 100 miles off the coast of Gilligan’s Island. Imagine a fantasy world where the Jonas Brothers were diagnosed with HIV, Al Gore wasn’t blowing hot CO2 out of his ass and President Obama could flap his ears and fly around the world faster than the speed of light and fix everything. Life would be so much better in Imagination Land. College graduates would be able to pick any job they wanted. Nickelback fans would be tossed foot-first into a wood-chipper. ‘The Hangover’ would’ve been banned from theatres. Steve Irwin would’ve worn a protective chest-plate. Billy Mays would’ve stopped snorting coke. Dale Earnhardt would’ve used his blinker. Pat Robertson’s home would collapse in a sudden earthquake. Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis would agree to do a lesbian three-way (we’re 2/3 there). Political life would also be much different. Democrats would abscond utopian social programs and stop using poor minorities as political pawns. Republicans would stop eating Islamic fetuses and abandon cheesy, patriotic clich’eacute;s. Joe Biden would become a monk and take an indefinite vow of silence. The devil would apologize for selling his soul to Dick Cheney. In Imagination Land, Ted Kennedy and John Edwards could’ve eliminated poverty by merely serving up hot plates of ‘good intentions.’ Sarah Palin could’ve magically located East and West Korea on a map, making her fully qualified to become America’s second consecutive intellectually challenged president. Who knows? IRS agents might even offer full refunds to unsatisfied citizens. Foreign policy would be a walk in the park. Spotting enemies would be as simple as playing ‘Call of Duty.’ Terrorists would sprout from the ground chanting ‘Derka Derka Muhammad Jihad,’ fully programmed to hate freedom and blow their snakes off in a mother-f***ing plane. Finding Osama Bin Laden would be as easy as ‘Where’s Waldo?’ The job could be given to any patriotic 4-year-old with an IQ higher than George W. Bush’s. ‘Smart’ bombs would turn into candy canes and sprinkle donuts whenever they landed near innocent women and children. Imagine a world where nothing had to make sense. A world where 2 + 2 = John Stamos’ hair. A world where reckless spending could help pay off your massive student loans. A world where planet Earth turns slowly and fireflies gave away complementary hugs by the thousands. A world where the temperature in Hell dipped below 32 degrees because the Saints are on the verge of making the Super Bowl. Open your eyes. It’s here. Reality is so pass’eacute;. Fantasy is the future. Scott Burns is a 20-year-old economics junior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_sburns. – – – – Contact Scott Burns at [email protected]