This post is satire and meant for the reader’s enjoyment.
Presidential candidate and America’s most-wanted soul-sucking super villain, Hillary Clinton, announced plans for world domination at a fundraising concert Wednesday at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall.
The ambitious goal comes shortly after Clinton won countless pledged minions on Super Tuesday.
“Since I have now crushed Old Man Sanders and his band of hippies, I’m setting my sights elsewhere,” Clinton said to captive audience members at the fundraiser. “It’s time to extend my iron grip to a level of global proportions.”
Clinton announced her diabolical plot alongside what she dubbed as her “inferiors”: her husband, daughter and pop singers Katy Perry and Sir Elton John.
“I’m not even an American, so I wasn’t going to have the opportunity to vote for [Hillary] Clinton,” John said. “I’m looking forward to her bringing her certain brand of tyranny and vengeance to the British and European government.”
Katy Perry had no comment because madam overlord forbade her from speaking into microphones or for using her voice for anything other than entertainment.
“Katy’s just here to shoot confetti out of her boobs and sing about fireworks,” a Clinton Campaign spokesperson said. “She’s not here to talk about anything important.”
Sources say that Clinton is also forcing the pop icon to eat at least 10 corndogs a day.
Shortly after the fundraiser ended, Clinton’s campaign announced a shakeup in the candidate’s schedule.
Instead of attending a fundraiser in Florida on Friday, Clinton will instead dine with Russian President, Vladimir Putin.
“I can’t wait to catch up with him. He’s an old friend and penpal of mine,” Clinton said regarding her relationship with Putin.
The only domestic event still on the Clinton campaign’s schedule was Thursday’s Baton Rouge rally. The rally will feature an appearance by her husband, President Bill Clinton.
“Baton Rouge is basically a third-world country,” President Clinton said of his appearance. “I’m excited to visit poverty in its truest form. Besides, everyone knows I’m the black people’s favorite Clinton.”
Clinton’s latest goals were met with anger from Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump.
“Hillary Clinton can run and hide, but she will not escape my wrath,” Trump said. “She will take me seriously as an opponent!”
Trump later promised to start World War III in the event that a woman becomes president.
“We’re going to start a war,” Trump said. “It’ll be big, it’ll be beautiful and I’ll make it yuge.”
Clinton simply said she did not know who Donald Trump was when asked for a response, then she proceeded to eat the children of Sanders’ supporters.
John Gavin Harp is a 20-year-old mass communication junior from St. Francisville, Louisiana.
