Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is doing a fantastic job. Under his lead, Democrats have unified while maintaining principled opposition to Bush and his lackeys.
But if the Democrats want to be a truly formidable opposition party, what they really need is brawny strongmen to walk up to pro-war types and just punch them in the face.
Most Republicans on Capitol Hill these days aren’t harmless, run-of-the-mill right-wingers. Don’t count on John McCain to talk sense into them. Janet Reno really needs to come busting into the Senate chamber to escort some of these folks to a cell at Gitmo.
Listen closely, my liberal brethren. Things are different in the post 9-11 world. We must change our tactics, as the stakes are high.
For example, everyone knows that the best way to talk a conservative is with a baseball bat. Sometimes, you just want to be on the side of whoever is more likely to take a bunker-buster to these shameless warmongers.
The biggest conservative donors and spokespeople give aid and comfort to terrorists. Their congressmen are wackos and fascists. Their speeches are borderline traitorous. Bill O’Reilly is no better than Hitler’s minister of propaganda, Joseph Goebbels.
Why do Republicans hate America so much? Their patriotism must constantly be called into question. In light of ill-equipped soldiers in Iraq and slashed veteran’s benefits at home, I must conclude that all conservatives are traitors — all of them.
The best example of this anti-American lunacy can be found in the White House itself. President Bush might as well be a mental patient. Half of America thinks he should go back to the dayroom he came out of. The man is barely qualified to be a guard at Abu Ghraib.
Everyone knows that there is only one reason why Cheney has yet to die —hell is full.
And as for Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice? Not only is she a liar, but she’s constantly referring to Bush as her “husband.” A little bit nutty and a little bit slutty, I’d say.
Disgusted by these statements? You should be. Unsurprisingly, they’re all reversals of sentiments voiced by mainstream conservatives in the very recent past.
Things are indeed different in the “post 9-11 world.” From violence-laden pieces in The New Republic to a never-ending barrage of nasty, baseless comments from pundits like Coulter, O’Reilly and Limbaugh, political commentary has devolved into a platform for hatred and intimidation.
The issue is not Ann Coulter’s right to advocate invading Muslim countries, killing their leaders, and converting them to Christianity. The issue is the failure of the corporate media, which allowed this hostile brand of rhetoric and goose-stepping to dominate the discourse in the lead up to the Iraq invasion. Unqualified commentators parroting unexamined claims and jingoistic proclamations are responsible for cheerleading America into a war based on lies.
But the media has not found time to repent, retract, or correct. Playing Howard Dean’s scream on CNN 633 times, for example, was apparently a more appropriate usage of airtime.
A recent spat between Middle East expert Dr. Juan Cole and pundit-cum-National Review-editor Jonah Goldberg is illustrative of this massive media failure. Goldberg repeatedly asserted that his judgment on Iraq is superior to Cole’s, despite the fact that Cole correctly predicted that Iraq posed no threat to the United States.
Cole’s expertise involves a PhD in Islamic Studies, command of Arabic and many years lived in the Muslim world. Goldberg’s expertise involves listening to the Linda Tripp tapes with his mom.
Cole responded by calling Goldberg exactly what he is: a dime-a-dozen pundit. “They are put on the mass media to badmouth the poor, spread bigotry, exalt mindless militarism and promote anti-intellectualism,” remarked Cole. “One of their jobs is to marginalize progressives by smearing them as unreliable.”
Hacks like Goldberg foster an increasingly violent political climate that has already led to serious human rights abuses and attacks on the Constitution. Those not willing to toe the line are silenced with McCarthy-esque name-calling and accusations of anti-Americanism.
In closing, I feel obligated to distract from America’s slide toward fascism by reporting that Michael Moore is fat. I am now a super-elite right-wing expert, pundit and comedienne.