So I’m pretty sure that I had the Bird Flu.
I’m not exactly sure what it is, but no doubt I had it.
No medicine made me feel better.
I even tried to take a bath in kerosene hoping that that would cure me, but alas, it did not.
I’m not sure why I thought bathing in kerosene would help me, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I can say is hindsight is 20/20.
Since science failed me, I sought out the medicine of the spiritual persuasion.
It was at the alter of the Holy Shasta Sam’s Choice Church of People Who Believe in Just About Anything in Clovis, N.M., where I stared a miracle in the face.
The miracle happened to take the shape of a rattlesnake.
The western diamondback rattlesnake – or Crotalus atrox for you Latin lovers – is one of the most deadly snakes found in this country.
So after the most painful two hours of my life and a momentary redemption of faith in modern medicine, I was venom-free and on my way to Bombay, India, to see a spiritual doctor.
After he fooled everyone by hiding a bloody piece of chicken fat in his hand and pretending he pulled it out of my stomach – removing the virus from my body – I paid him his fee, ate the piece of bloody fat and sought a cure elsewhere.
I walked on coals, have been slapped in the face with a Bible more times than I’d like to count, drank water through a straw while standing on my head and prayed on the grave of some girl down in Morgan City.
I drank blood, urine, my urine, my blood, wine from a skull, wine from a high-heeled shoe, water from a holy cup, a holy spring, a holy lake and a holy river.
I’ve had leaches on me, ate some root in Africa and tripped my balls off, smoked medicinal marijuana, reefer, grass and swag.
I lay still for three hours while some crazy woman waved her hands over my body and sang show tunes from “Rent.” Yet still I cough and wheeze.
Ready to accept my fate, I returned home where my roommate dragged me to the LSU Health Center. They gave me a shot, a bottle of Robitussin and a bag of free condoms.
I’ve never felt better. I believe I’m cured. Thanks LSU Health Center and Happy Birthday Tanto.
 
Jay is a product of modern medicine. Contact him at [email protected]