You know that old saying, “it’s just like riding a bike.”
I was told that recently while trying to ride a bike for the first time in years. And you know what, riding a bike isn’t just like riding a bike.
In fact, it’s a whole lot more like busting your ass. I mean, the handle bars feel the same. The pedals move the same. The seat still hurts my bum. The only thing that’s different is the asphalt burns, and I think my nose is broken.
OK, so I’m no Lance Armstrong, but maybe with some practice, I could become another lesser-known cyclist.
Who am I kidding?
It would take all the endurance I had just to get myself into one of those spandex suits. Besides, I’ve got to be able to keep my balance first.
Thinking back, I’m not even sure I could ever ride a bike to begin with. That fact became more apparent each time the road ripped through the flesh of my knees. All those hallmark memories of getting my first bike, riding it around the driveway and having my father taking the training wheels off and guiding the seat of the bike down the driveway until he pushed me off and I was on my own, pedaling and steering.
No wait, that wasn’t me. It was my brother. I never had a bike. And now, I’m glad I never did.
Who on earth would want to own such a machine of torture and ridicule?
I almost made it around the block once, but in the last turn, I hit some gravel and slid into a stop sign. The crash bent the front tire so badly that I had to walk the bike while holding the front end off the ground all the way back home, which was a good 50 yards.
A box of Kim Possible Band-Aids and a few tubes of Neosporin later, I decided to try a task that knowledge of never left me.
I decided to lay down on the couch and watch some good quality TV.
Then, I heard a knock on the door. Was it Lance Armstrong?
No, a pretty girl. I let her in, and she said some of my friends sent her over to help “heal my wounds.”
I can hear the voice of my father – the 10 tons of irony that just landed in my lap – “Jay Boy, it’s just like riding a bike.
 
Jay has never dated Sheryl Crow. Contact him at [email protected]