The following is a list of things I would do if I were appointed and confirmed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
  1. Only date has-been supermodels.
2. Iron the words, “F*** THIS COURT” on my robe.
3. Rule that McDonald’s not serving breakfast after 11 a.m. is unconstitutional.
4. Produce “Real World: Supreme Court” and try to get with Sandra Day O’Conner on film.
5. Abruptly call for a 10-minute recess, then whisper to Scalia as I walk to the restroom that I’m touching cotton.
6. Slap Ashcroft in the face then repose Lady Justice … tastefully nude, of course.
7. Eat fried chicken on the bench.
8. After hooking up with O’Conner on film, call her an “old ho” on the diary cam.
9. Get an apartment with Justice Clarence Thomas and throw swinger parties.
10. Before each case is heard, I’d stand up and pour out a bottle of Thunderbird for my homie, Rehnquist.
11. Be sure to leave chocolate fingerprints on all my opinions.
12. After the Bailiff calls to rise, walk in to my theme song, “Superstar,” by the Carpenters.
13. Make Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg trash talk the plaintiff with her feisty little Brooklyn accent.
14. Put Don King in charge of selecting the docket, then let him announce the cases. For instance, “Roe v. Wade – shoulda done been spayed before ya got laid.” Or something equally as tacky and offensive.
15. Find out what those associate justices are wearing under their robes.
16. During my confirmation hearings, ask the Chairman to make Sen. Ted Kennedy take off his shirt and do the truffle shuffle before he could ask me a question.
17. Rule that Ole Miss is unconstitutional – the whole thing.
18. “I’d throw away the cars and the bars and the war and make sweet love to you.”
19. Clay Aiken would have never made it past the third show of American Idol.
20. Give Shreveport to Texas.
21. I was going to give Slidell to Mississippi, but I don’t want to be insensitive.
22. I’m pretty sure I could pin something on President G.W. Bush.
23. Al Roker would be the only journalist allowed in the court room.
24. All of my opinions would begin, “Hey, Hey, Hey, this is an opinion from Jay,” just like Fat Albert.
25. And finally, if I were the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, I would make sure it was the “highest” court in the land … puff, puff, pass, Ruthy!
Jay was rejected for confirmation 57-43. Contact him at [email protected]