As usual, your Cuffist is a day late and a few dollars short.
I didn’t write a pre-Halloween column, so I declare today Cuffoween, in an effort to keep the Halloween spirit just one more day.
On Cuffoween we share scary stories about Halloween and recover from the previous night’s activities.
I’ve even gotten grocery stores in on the act — they’re cutting pumpkin prices by 75 percent.
Cuffoween is all about extending the life of a holiday that is grossly underrepresented in the grand scheme of holidays.
Halloween rocks. Disguises, mischief, candy, parties — what more could one want in a holiday?
On Halloweens of yore, my favorite activity was terrorizing the snot out of my little brothers.
Every big sister must inflict sever psychological trauma on younger siblings. Halloween was mine.
I jumped out of dark hallways. I hid under cars and grabbed ankles. I woke them up an inch from their faces, in my scariest mask, screaming at the top of my lungs.
Little do they know that this year, they must fear Cuffoween. MWUAH-HA-HA! (That was my evil laugh.)
Another of my favorite Halloween pasttimes is pumpkin carving.
I carve kickass pumpkins — without the aid of special knives, patterns or lighting effects.
I’ve carved jack o’ lanterns so scary they’d make Satan wary to knock on my door. But, my all-time favorite piece was the “Have a Nice Day” smiley-face pumpkin, circa 1999.
Thanks to Cuffoween, pumpkins are now cheaper than ever. More jack o’ lanterns for me. MUWUAH-HA-HA!
Pumpkins and scariness aside, Halloween is all about becoming someone or something else for one magical evening.
Jesus, the devil, Britney Spears, the Bush sisters, a tree, a one night stand, a toilet — I could go on for days.
One of my favorites was a friend who dressed as a cell phone for an excuse to “vibrate” on girls all night. I loved someone’s idea to be Winona Ryder and leave all the tags on her clothes.
But, if you saw me last night, I went with an old standby — the black-eyed pea. I wrote a “P” on a white t-shirt and blacked my eye with that greasy Wal-Mart Halloween make-up. (Guess who was broke on Halloween?)
Regardless of how much time and money you put into the costume, it’s all about how well you pull it off.
If you’re a cell phone, you have to vibrate. And if you’re a black-eyed pea, you must take a few fake punches in the face.
But, from the beating I took trick-or-treating at parties and bars with some of you last night, I don’t have to tell y’all that.
I miss Halloween already, but this headache and dehyration I’m nursing today makes me think I may have received a few more tricks than treats this year.
Oh well, let’s be ghoulish for one more day. Hangovers be damned, happy Cuffoween! MWUAH-HA-HA!