Since the Cuffist is in Savannah, Ga., for a conference, some of us not-so-funny staffers decided to take on the elusive humor column. And in honor of her, we decided to write about — what else? A journalism conference.
Seven Reveille ladies and one poor boy from the sports section made the fun-filled excursion last week to “The Land of The Mouse,” the original “O-Town,” — Orlando, Fla.
Since these conferences are supposed to be educational, we thought we would share with you some of the pearls of wisdom we brought back home with us.
1. Walkie talkies are your friends. Driving all day on three hours of sleep is rough, but you can pass the time with random Disney trivia, like “Who would win in a fight — Cinderella or Snow White?” We also suggest you come up with creative “handles” for your cohorts. Our favorites? Sponge Bob and Patrick.
2. Our favorite ride in Orlando was the U-turn. As the lead driver and former neighbor of Horace Grant, our chief staff writer tried to be confident in her navigation skills. Unfortunately, she’s directionally challenged. We couldn’t even make it through the hotel parking lot each night without a frantic turn-around.
3. Maleficent remains evil. This green-faced, spikey-horned super-villain from Sleeping Beauty is two staffers’ greatest fear. The girls attempted to tackle their phobia by taking a picture with the costumed character in Disney World. Ten-year-old boys were bouncing excitedly up to the witch and smiling as Mom and Dad videotaped. But the two could barely look at The Evil One. They could almost feel her eyes burning through their souls as they stood near her, with frightened faces, to take a picture. For the rest of the night they were on watch for the spindle of a spinning wheel …
4. If your editor tells you to stop in Bonifay (a.k.a no-wheres-ville), Fla., to find Internet access — IGNORE HER! Guess how many Internet connection opportunities we found — zero. Wanna know why? Our sports photographer explained it best: “Do they even know what the Internet is down here?” If only we knew how close she was to being right. We stopped at the high-class Tivoli Inn, grabbed our laptop and approached the front desk for some serious butt-kissing.
We were met by Mr. Tivoli himself — a large man with pit stains and summer teeth (summer missing, summer black, summer green). In our best “grown-up” voices, we explained to him we were traveling reporters, and we desperately needed to use his phone line for e-mail. He proceeded to look at us like we were sixth-density beings from another universe and suggested we try Jimbo’s Truck Stop across street. No thanks.
We promptly jumped into the car and decided to try our luck at the Econo Lodge — what seemed to be a brand-name hotel. A few piles of plywood and Chevron trash cans later, we finally gave up on Bonifay.
We hope these travel tips are helpful. Resist the urge to throw tomatoes at us because Off the Cuff claims only to be “semiweekly, semifunny.”