An open letter to our elected officials:
Thank you so much for attempting to remove the wretched influence of the “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” from American English.
Changing French fries and French toast to FREEDOM fries and FREEDOM toast in your cafeterias has made our country a better place.
My friends who were French majors are happier now that they are studying FREEDOM.
I am so glad that when I make out, I’m now FREEDOM kissing.
And, when I put my three quarters in the dispenser in the Circle K restroom to buy that thingy with the “pleasure bumps,” I’m ecstatic that it is now a FREEDOM tickler.
Although I have no clue how this etymological development was conceived, I picture it like this:
You, our elected officials, were having lunch — much like high school students — when a shocking development occurred at the “cool table.”
(Of course, the “cool table” has changed a lot during the past few years. Everyone who sits there now must fully back our fantastic president, have made most of their fortune in oil and wear the official “cool table” American flag lapel pin.)
Anyway, the captain of the “cool table” looked at his plate of French fries and said, “Golly, gee, why am I forced to eat fried starches named after those bastard Frenchies?”
Then, in a patriotic fervor, he stood and proclaimed, “We owe it to the American people to be able to eat our fried potatoes without paying homage to the pigs.”
And the other “cool table” folks gave a cheer and had it passed before dinner.
Thus was born a new name for the fried strips of tasty potato goodness that makes American hearts from sea to shining sea swell with pride for the purple mountain majesties, the amber waves of grain and the good ol’ red, white and blue. (That’s the American red, white and blue — not that sissified French version, of course.)
I’m so happy that my representatives took the time to make this difficult decision instead of worrying about the silly things people whine about all the time.
I mean, what’s so important about war, the economy, the environment, our education system, our rights or any of that crap anyway?
At least now, we have our FREEDOM to eat FREEDOM fries and FREEDOM toast.
I’ve been so inspired by your renaming efforts, that I am beginning a one-woman campaign to remove all references to any country other than America from our language.
Some people call me a xenophobe, but thanks to your example, I can stand tall and tell them that I’m simply proud to be a God-fearing American.
Those French may have named our fries, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!