My job is to make you folks smile.
It’s a fun job usually, but sometimes it bruises my soul a bit — especially when we’re going to war in two days and another student has been murdered.
Enough pouting, here goes.
Top ten things the Cuffist would buy with the $70 billion this war will cost:
10. A campus-sized beach house next to Chancellor Emmert’s beach house. Think MTV beach house, but much more annoying.
9. A campus amusement park, complete with people wandering around dressed in Disney-World-style costumes of Emmert, Nick Saban, Skip Bertman, John Brady and Sue Gunter AND a monorail.
8. A “nucular” (props to the prez on his mastery of the English language) fallout shelter over Tigerland: to save us from all the “weapons of mass destruction” pointed at the true home of “infidel” debauchery.
7. The secret service: to protect the entire campus from the SK, a.k.a. serial killer, and get all underage idiots out of alcohol possession charges like they did for good ol’ Jenna “and tonic” Bush.
6. Flip flops for everyone! Hey, summer’s coming.
5. My cell phone bill.
4. 70 billion CC’s coffee-of-the-day mugs (with dark blend, of course).
3. 70,000 Victoria’s Secret million-dollar bras. (I don’t know what I’d do with them, but I think they’d be fun to have.)
2. A helicopter and four billion “Cuffist 4 SG Prez” pushcards printed on $5 bills to dump across campus. (At least they’d all be picked up.)
1. Idiot-proof voting equipment for the 2004 election. No more hanging chads. No more recounts. No more president we didn’t really elect.
And after the war, when we’re spending $1 billion per year to rebuild everything we blew up, I’d buy this stuff:
10. The rights to the name “Freedom Fries.” So I could then charge every idiot who uses the phrase an exorbitant fee for stupidity.
9. A home in Switzerland. No SKs. No war. Where do I sign?
8. The clock tower. I would then change it’s name to the Phallic Tower of Quarter-Hourly Chimage Pub and Brewhouse. I would also set up a microbrewery inside that gives away free beer every time the bells ring.
7. Puppies. I love puppies.
6. My very own Master Plan. MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA. (That’s my evil laugh.)
5. Chancellor Emmert — for the rest of his natural life.
4. A small chunk of the national debt.
3. My nation’s debt.
2. A date with Ari Fleischer for Christina “OHMIGOD, the press secretary is SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!” Stephens.
Wait, scratch that.
2. A date for myself with some poor sap who is willing to put up with my sorriness for an hour in exchange for a really, really nice dinner.
And finally, I’m going beauty pageant, errrr scholarship program, on y’all for this one.
1. World peace.