ATTENTION REVEILLE READERS: Because of a large number of complaints regarding the vulgarity and utter inanity of “Off the Cuff,” the column is hereby canceled.
We, the editors of this publication, respect the thousands of requests we have received to fire former “Off the Cuff” columnist Rebekah Monson and put this space to better use.
We gave her the boot last night.
We understand Monson’s frequent use of words such as “douche” and references to her “alternative lifestyle” were offensive to many readers.
Also, we just don’t want chunky, blue-haired freaks with ridiculous crushes on female folk singers and obvious mental disorders working here anymore.
I mean, this is a family publication, for goodness sake.
Monson also exhibited many anti-American statements, of which we, the Reveille management, do not approve.
She even was quoted as saying President Bush is a “bumbling, pea-brained (expletive) who couldn’t find his (expletive) with both hands — much less find Iraq on a map.”
We just can’t have that kind of filth and anti-American jabber in this country.
So, the Reveille has decided to cut its losses.
Yesterday, we drugged Monson and stuffed her in a wooden crate.
(The crate is a cost-saving measure, as the paper cannot afford to ship a large person in passenger quarters.)
She is now bound for France on a frigate full of returned French cheese.
While we wish her well on her journey and in her new life as a Frenchwoman, we ask none of you send whiny complaints or pleas for her safety our way.
Frankly, we don’t care if she’s safe, and we definitely won’t take her back.
Trust us, we did you a favor.
From now on, this space on Tuesdays and Fridays will house a column entitled, “American Ha, Ha.”
It will contain about 10 good, clean, hilarious jokes pertaining to life in these United States.
We hope it will be similar to that humor found in the outstanding American literary beacon that we all know and treasure — Reader’s Digest.
To begin this new hallmark of a humor column, we will leave you with a favorite joke to demonstrate the new brand of Reveille humor.
(And one that will prove how obviously unfit Rebekah Monson was to write humor at all, as she physically beat the person who wrote the joke with a large blunt object in response to the punchline.)
A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender.
A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”