Welcome to the SUPER-GIGANTIC, NEW-AND-IMPROVED, DEEP-CLEANING, EXTRA-WHITENING Off The Cuff, version 7.0.
Tell, ’em about it, Ron!
This column will make your teeth brighter than the white-hot flames of Chernobyl.
And they’ll continue to glow for years afterward!
It will make your whites whiter, your colors fade-proof, your carpet allergen free, your clothes and your crotch smell like a summer’s day.
This column is guaranteed, backed by a lifetime warrantee, licensed and bonded.
It will collect 40 kajillion dollars for you car accident, just like it has for millions of other accident victims.
Good credit?
Bad Credit?
No credit?
NO PROBLEM!!!
Off the Cuff, version 7.0, asks nothing and promises you everything in return.
It’s bigger than God.
Faster than light.
Stronger than the competition.
And sexier than Penelope Cruz belching after chugging a Coke.
Off the Cuff, v7.0, (as seen on T.V.) is so easy-to-use, even that douchebag in your math class can use it to cook a perfect roast, julienne these tough-to-chop onions (with no tears!), slice a tomato paper-thin, powerwash his 10-speed or even increase his sexual stamina.
It’s lightweight and portable.
Take it anywhere: in the car, the RV, even in the boat!
Just set it and forget it, and you’re on your way to a lifetime of pain-free hair-removal, firmer, younger-looking skin, and a perfect haircut every time.
Off the Cuff, v7.0, is a natural, ephedrine-free, herbal formula that will help you melt away the pounds — without ever leaving the comfort of your couch!
And, you don’t have to stop eating the foods you love!
Off the Cuff, v7.0, can help you earn millions of dollars with its easy-to-learn and effective money-making system.
We’re waiting to give you FREE money!
Hurry! Time is running out on this special offer!
Save hundreds, even thousands of dollars a year when you brew your own beer, dry your own jerky, make your own juice — even produce your own milk!
There’s no fee to join, and you can cancel your membership at any time.
No money down and 0 percent APR.
Just send a check or money order, or even use your Visa, MasterCard or American Express.
(Sorry, no C.O.D.s! Shipping and handling not included.)