I may come back as a visitor one day, but as long as I graduate as planned in May, this is my last Mardi Gras as a Louisiana resident.
I haven’t lived here as long as many of you readers, but I think I have come to understand and respect Carnival season in my short tenure here.
Freshman year, as a Mardi Gras virgin, I did New Orleans with my buddy Nick.
We had no plan.
We got crunk, watched a parade from Canal, attempted to traverse Bourbon after a parade, were nearly trampled to death and finally slept in his car in a parking garage.
The next morning we had to call everyone we knew in town for a shower.
While this experience was tolerable at the time, I wouldn’t recommend doing Mardi Gras this way.
So, dear readers, I am prepared to offer you the Cuffist’s fool-proof guide to surviving Mardi Gras.
Bourbon Street at night = crushed to death
While one is guaranteed to see a plethora of tourist boobies — most saggy and unappetizing — on Bourbon at night, one also runs the risk of death at the hands of a pack of drunk, smelly, sweaty, stupid out-of-towners who all seem intent on crushing one to death.
If you must show your nasty breasts, at least make eye contact with someone on the float.
A friend once dangled her tatas over a barricade for half an hour straight but never caught the eye of a rider.
In that time, a 1-year-old ran up to her making sucking noises and saying “Mama,” two rather crusty old men offered her a Beast Light and she received four beads for her effort.
What a waste.
Greedy children must be destroyed.
Some kids are little turds, and they’ll try to take your stuff all night.
This must not be tolerated.
I recommend slyly smacking the crap out of these little cretins on the head or in the eye with an elbow while “trying to catch something.”
Remember: when in doubt, take ’em out.
Find a bathroom early.
You’ll need it, and no one enjoys a ticket for peeing in an alley.
Trust me.
Party gravy stains
Wear something you don’t mind being grey up to your knees forever.
The piss-beer-puke-semen sludge along the parade route is toxic and permanently damaging to your wardrobe.
Dress accordingly.
Buy me drinks if you see me.
As thanks for this handy, dandy guide, I think I deserve a cold, tasty beverage.
Happy Mardi Gras.