I’ve admitted many of my faults in this column through the semesters, and today is no exception.
Many of you may recall my penchant for late-night infomercials, but never before have I discussed my love of really bad Christian television — until now.
My favorite of the genre is “Jack Van Impe Presents.”
In this show, Jack, his wife Rexella and their toupeed announcer friend Chuck discuss a week’s worth of headlines and how the Bible foretold each of them in great detail.
Jack, the main character, is the expert on these affairs.
Not only does Jack know when the world will end, he also knows the antichrist will come from the European Union, and the start of the whole world-ending process began precisely when Israel became a nation.
Phew, it must be taxing to be armed with such detailed knowledge of the Lord God Jesus Christ the Almighty’s plan for us.
But Jack has biblical math down to an exact science.
I envision him bent over a roll-top desk, feverishly reading his Bible and clicking the beads of his Christian abacus (which automatically converts units of God into good ole’ American figures), until at last, he shouts, “Eureka, Rexella! He’s coming back on March 5, I just know it!”
Of course all this biblical scholar stuff causes devoted Jack to forego sins of the flesh with his lovely wife, who I am sure is banging Chuck on the side.
Chuck appears only twice in the show — during two faux commercials for a genuine Jack Van Impe Ministries product(Yours for only 19.99!).
Right now, the JVIM product is a video titled “Beyond the Grave.”
The video helps viewers “discover the truth about future life after death — as well as the truth about the future foretold for all in Bible prophecy!”
Chuck announces where to send the dough and looks like a very sketchy grandpa with a horrible toupee and used-car salesman smile.
Still, Chuck is the show’s ladies man — I’ll bet most of the ladies in my Granny’s Sunday school class would like to meet him for a private prayer circle.
Rexella is the designated headline reader. She doesn’t do much except read headlines from a ton of newspapers, turn to Jack and say, “Now what does the Bible tell us about all this, Jack?”
Jack responds with an impassioned speech about how the Bible foretold (insert random headline here) and backs it all up with some very impressive, not to mention confusing and scary, Bible math.
When Jack slows his roll, Rexella makes some brilliant comment like, “Wow, Jack, our Lord and Savior knew it all so long ago.”
Of course, one cannot have quality fanatic programming without the obligatory “Jesus, come into my heart” prayer.
The prayer wraps up another fun-filled evening of headlines and prophecy, but not before one last plug to order the video.
Man, I hope mine comes in soon.