Cuffist’s woman reponds to attention
For the past few weeks, I have sat quietly by and allowed Jay Melder to reap the benefits (semi-celebrity status, local recognition, free meals, reader praise) from his newly acquired position of cuffist du jour.
However, after reading the latest rendition, I am compelled to set not only the record, but the cult following, straight on the actual facts surrounding the events he has so artfully embellished.
Well maybe not embellished, more like confused. You see, I am the girl that has been the subject of so much redicule and no doubt scorn, and I can be silent no longer. I met Mr. Melder in class 2 years ago, where he cunningly asked me to lunch for a Ãstudy sessioní.
After discovering that he lived across the street from the house where they filmed Steel Magnolias, and that Julia Roberts had in fact stayed in his room, I agreed to go out with him.
Our first date was a trip to Krispy Kreme Donuts. Apparently I was his queen and he my king, as we sat across from each other in our matching paper crowns and discussed the intricate details of the donut-making process. (Actually, he talked as I wondered how I would reach into the box between us and grab a donut for myself without losing a finger). After he dropped me off early (Krispy Kreme had never made me sick before, you decide) I turned my head just in time to get a sticky kiss of glaze on the cheek.
The next week he invited me on a putt-putt outing, and I can honestly say that Iíve never been more embarrassed in my life.
He resembled an out-of-shape Payne Stewart, God rest his soul, and actually collapsed on the 18th green after I beat him by 15 strokes.
When he came to, he wasn’t handcuffed, but in the back of the ambulance that I had to call to revive him. That was about all I could take so I broke it off. But after many poems and late night serenading outside my bedroom windows (I had to move 4 times) I agreed to remain friends.
Which brings us to about 5 weeks ago, when Jay managed to get my newly acquired cell phone number.
I was house sitting and he insisted that he loved the area and was looking to rent and desperately wanted to come check out the apartment.
After giving him directions (he needed to leave them with his roommate in case of an emergency) I cursed myself and put on sweatpants and a baseball cap.
He showed up with a bottle of wine and began rifling through my friend’s collection of VHS tapes, looking for the inevitable porn stash.
He popped it in as I slipped outside to call anyone that I could bribe to come over and rescue me.
Having downed an entire bottle of merlot in record time, he joined me outside and did in fact begin dancing with me while he whispered the sweet nothings of Ron Jeremy in my ear.
My incredibly hot roommate showed up just in time to help me drag him inside and put him on the couch.
With Jay passed out, we went to sleep upstairs, only to awake a few hours later to find him hovering over us still drunk and naked.
And let me just say that a salami in a white girl sandwich was very generous, more like a Vienna sausage.
After the cops dragged him away and we obtained a restraining order, I felt certain that he was out of my life forever. But now he seems to have found a new way to stalk me.
Jay Melder, stay far, far away.
Or as Ms. Roberts would say, “If my Daddy catches you here he will cut your thing off!”
Jolie Howard
grad student
liberal arts
Founding Fathers acknowledged God
I would like to add to Elliott Brown’s response (Oct. 21) to Hannah Anderson’s viewpoint of October 20.
The founding fathers did not intend for the profession of the belief in an ecumenical God to be removed from the public domain.
One only has to read the works of George Washington and others to see this. He once stated that if America stopped recognizing God we would be in serious trouble. The fathers prayed before government meetings, and that tradition has continued throughout our country’s history to this day and age.
In fact, it is ironic that the U.S. Supreme Court will hear the case against “under God” in the Pledge being used in public.
The Supreme Court opens its sessions with a prayer. The fathers believed in the fostering of all religions, but opposed a theocracy with a government-sponsored religion.
The fathers’ intent has been perverted in our modern society by secularists to purge God from the public domain.
So today we have exactly what the fathers opposed – a government-sponsored religion and it is atheistic secularism.
Michael Keenan
associate professor
human ecology
Take a look at all sides before deciding
Abortion can turn into a very emotional issue.
Extreme pro-life supporters often display pictures of aborted babies and describe the “grotesque” process of abortion to further provoke emotions.
The people of our government and our country should not make decisions based on satisfying their emotions, but this is what seems to be happening.
We can not formulate opinions based soley on our emotions.
Not only this, but we can not make decisions with out adequate knowledge and research.
After reading Jason Dores’s article on Oct. 22, I sensed a lot of emotion, but not a lot of support or facts.
He claims there is no medical purpose for partial birth abortion by saying, “there is ample evidence,” and speaking for medical professionals.
That does not sound like something he has done research on, other than researching the necessities to write a brief article.
For the safety and the health of the women of our country, please research this issue and analyze it rationally before you come to a conclusion about it.
Andrea Smith
sophomore
music education