There is turmoil in the college football galaxy. In a place far, far away from Baton Rouge, the Empire (the NCAA) has begun its plans for complete takeover.
By convincing the people the BCS system is the best way to determine a national champion, the Empire has created doom for all that is good in the sport. Instead of relying on true competition to show greatness, the galaxy is left in the hands of greedy, fat cat politicians.
But a New Hope, Luke Skywalker (LSU) has emerged, that will challenge the Emperor (NCAA President Myles Brand) and restore order to the galaxy, but a great war will ensue. Unfortunately, many championship dreams and coaching jobs will be lost along the way.
With the help of his friends, Luke and the Alliance (SEC) will try to destroy the BCS teams and propel Skywalker to a final battle for college football immortality. Here’s how it will play out.
Chewbacca (Arkansas), being the hairy old bastard that he is, won’t go down easy, and after he and Luke scuffle after Thanksgiving dinner, Chewy heads to the Cotton Bowl to face Greedo (Nebraska).
Han Solo (Georgia) defies Luke in the SEC championship, but like earlier in the season, Solo learns not to mess with the Jedi master. Filled with shame, Solo faces Jabba the Hut (USC) in Jabba’s Palace (The Rose Bowl) and ends Jabba’s reign as Pac-10 champion.
Lando Calrissian (Auburn), who has long been the scoundrel of the SEC West, is used to cheating and other low forms of play to get his way. He’s not above a cigar smoke or two and after an earlier run in with Jabba. After drinking too much Colt .45 malt Liquor, Lando falls in the Pit of Carktoon (the Independence Bowl), where the beast Sarlacc (Texas A&M) devours him.
R2-D2 (South Carolina), R2’s quick wit (think Lou Holtz) and C3P0’s insistence that he has the best quarterback of all time will keep other lesser teams (storm troopers) distracted by playing them in lesser bowl games as Luke marches on.
The Ewoks (Alabama) aren’t good except for throwing rocks and sticks and things. After a scandal in the Ewok village involving academic misconduct, the galaxy put them on probation. Then their new chief got a little too friendly with some Ewok dancers using the Ewok Visa and everything just went to hell for them. Despite the hard times, they found a new chief and are primed to help any way they can.
Princess Leia (Tennessee) finally realizes she is not the fairest in the conference. After taking a back seat to another slut of the galaxy (Steve Spurrier’s Florida teams), she finally realizes she’s only second fiddle.
Jar-Jar Binks (Vanderbilt), the butt of every joke in the galaxy, will exact revenge by beating Leia on Nov. 22 and getting that one elusive conference win.
As for the Top 10 in the galaxy, Boba Fett (Miami) makes minced meat of the Grand Moff Tarkin (Virginia Tech), the villain no one knows, but everyone hates. This propels Luke into the No. 2 spot of the BCS.
The final showdown will pit Luke against his nemesis and Dark-Side father Oklahoma (Darth Vader) in the Nokia Sugar Bowl, which is in the Death Star (Superdome). With the help of Yoda (Nick Saban) and the guidance of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Jimbo Fisher), Luke uses the Force with deadly precision, wielding his light saber (football) to a 38-21 win and overthrow the Empire.