Whatever you do, don’t drink the water around here.
People everywhere have to worry about the quality of their water. You’ve got to keep the water clean enough to avoid such problems as rampant childhood leukemia, yet make sure it’s contaminated enough to keep society supplied with our lovable, mutated freaks: car salesmen, carnival folk and Paula Poundstone.
But here it’s really serious. It’s amazing how many weirdoes we’re manufacturing. Having left-handed people around just isn’t weird enough for us. No, no, no, we have to go off and produce snipers, serial killers, peeping Toms, and hordes of miscreants, misfits, malefactors, midgets and Methodists.
For instance, take “Steve,” the unassuming man who loved him some breaking and entering. In a startling revelation, scientists announced that Steve’s body was made up of as much as 60 percent water.
It’s a sad story if you think about it. After a long, hard night of chugging Baton Rouge water to drown out his depressing lack of female company, he headed over to a local apartment complex to make use of the resident workout room and maybe swim a few laps in the pool.
Next thing you know, the Port Allen’s finest contaminants have made their way from the Mississippi River to his stomach, then to his blood stream, and eventually to his medulla oblongata where they grab on with a death grip reminiscent of Jerry “The King” Lawler’s headlock of Andy Kaufman. It’s all over from there. The poor kid soon believes he’s on a mission from Christopher Lowell to rearrange the shoes of the female residents and draw circles on their backs with his finger.
All that from water. If Steve were smart, he’d stick with beer.
Beer has never made me do anything nearly that weird. In fact, the worst thing I’ve done under the influence of barley and hops is start dating a girl who was only slightly easier than second-grade math. And because the effects of beer wear off much faster than those of our drinking water, I was able to bail out before the relationship progressed past the drawing circles on each other’s back stage.
But things only get stranger with the latest craze in water-induced lunacy. Robert Pfantz was recently arrested for staring through a hole in a restroom stall in Middleton Library trying to catch a peak at someone answering the call of Mother Nature. Library workers have reported that this is not an isolated occurrence. There is no doubt in my mind that Baton Rouge water is at fault for this.
Come on, who in his right mind wants to watch somebody else use the bathroom?
I accidentally caught sight of myself in a mirror once while I was using the restroom at a friend’s house. Talk about traumatic. After that life-shattering incident I spent three weeks in a catatonic fugue. Even after more or less coming to my senses, I spent a few days insisting people call me Steve and let me rearrange their shoes while they slept.
I don’t know who came up with the brilliant idea that people need to be drinking water, but it’s time we break off the shackles of ignorance. You must ask yourself, “Would I rather die of thirst or be overcome with the desire to watch people use the bathroom?”
Nevermind, don’t answer that.