Some people recently racially discriminated against me.
They made fun of my Hawaiian ancestry, particularly my middle name – Kealoha.
In English, Kealoha means “with love.”
They said, “Oh we know what YOUR PEOPLE love. You love to just dance around in grass skirts doing the hula and playing with tikki torches.”
Then they started on my Asian-looking eyes.
“They’re so squinty. It must be really hard to see,” they epitheted.
Naturally, I was appalled. I summoned the powers of all my oppressed ancestors.
“By the powers vested in me by Mt. Kilowea and the caterpillar god, I cast the spell of the great volcano on you!” I cursed them.
Any day now, lava should come flowing out of their noses, ears and other body cavities.
If the gods of the Hawaiian Islands don’t intervene for me, however, I need my nearest bureaucratic government entity to do it.
That would be LSU.
Since I’m one quarter Polynesian Hawaiian, an ethnicity that was historically discriminated against, I need free tuition.
A parking space right outside the Quad would suffice for my lack of opportunities as well.
Then I’d like a free set of student football tickets and a set for guests.
That’s not asking too much.
But there’s another plighted group on our campus – the Acadians.
Most of us know them better these days as Cajuns.
They used to be just another minority that was picked on by the meanest, nastiest discriminators of all: the British.
That’s right. If you’ll all pull out your colonial American history file, the story will come back to you.
Back during the French and Indian War – which, by the way, DID NOT pit the French against but WITH the Indians – those pompous Brits kicked all the French people out of their territory.
One group of French folks was the Acadians, who resided in what is now a French-speaking area of Canada.
The Acadians boarded their ships and started sailing down the North American Atlantic coast. Eventually they ended up in a territory France had not lost control of – Louisiana.
Little did these Acadians, whose name later morphed into Cajuns, know that they were moving to a gigantic mosquito-infested swamp land.
But they stuck it out, and now there are swarms of Cajuns running rampant around our lovely campus.
Hear me young Cajuns! Just think – you could be residing in some beautiful, seaside Nova Scotian villa.
Remember all of the mosquito bites you’ve sustained during your youthful days. Demand restitution.
Maybe y’all should take over Canada. Or maybe it should be Great Britain you take over. They’re the real culprits.
It’s time for an uprising of Asian/Pacific Islanders and Cajuns. Get on it!
If you are moved to any type of action or anger because of this column, don’t contact me, Adam Causey. E-mail my Cuffist-in-training, Scott Sternberg, at [email protected]