Another day, another chance to propagate LSU. Enjoy this week’s letters.
Dear Anna,
As a Republican I can’t seem to see why there is such resistance against legislating morality. Do the unsaved masses (which you obviously belong to) not realize that it doesn’t matter what you call yourselves? Sin is sin is sin, whether you believe so or not.
Please adopt better laws for Cufftopia before my tax dollars help the Israelis conquer their land back and He comes back to judge. – Joey
Dear Joey,
I like your name. It’s cute, unlike your politics which are wretched at best and antiquated at second best. I would really love to give your question the time of day, but I’m reluctant to respond to such innocent ignorance when you can find the answers you seek by reading the U.S. Constitution. Amen.
Dear Anna,
I write to you from a hospital bed in Nigeria, Texas. I have a rare medical condition which has left me with only six months to live. My doctors are baffled as they have never run across a case of Elephantitus of the sperm before.
As my dying wish, could you please dismantle the cars of Baton Rouge and sell the parts to finance better public transportation? – Elephant Man of Texas
[note to readers: your trusted Cuffist did not make this letter up. I would never put you through such ridiculous agony unless a reader asked me to].
Dear EMT,
I’m not sure which issue you truly wish for me to address. I’m sure that I could provide some radical insight into your condition (I remember a very long summer I spent in Nigeria, Texas suffering from same said ailment). I also could rail against Texas. Hmm … that would be really fun. Or I could take a few moments to reflect on urban sprawl and its direct effect on transportation.
Alright, here goes. Why is Baton Rouge so freaking big?! Has anyone ever tried to drive across town at any time of day?! I mean, really! In the middle of the night when no one’s on the road, it takes at LEAST twenty minutes to get anywhere. Good lord!
I’m not saying that an efficient train or bus system is the key to progressive living, but … oh alright, an efficient train or bus system is the key to progressive living.
If we spent less time stuck in traffic all alone in our big expensive, bloodthirsty SUVs, we might be forced to ride next to people we don’t know and talk to those people, which might lead to actually getting to know about people who live differently than we do. Which might lead to more open-mindedness, which might lead to this city actually feeling like a community and not just a place to live and drink beer … does everyone see where I’m going with this? I could go on forever.
Alright, so I’m subject to a little whimsy every now and then.
I hope you have a miraculous recovery, Elephant Man of Texas.
If you send me any more good letters, I’ll print them.
off the cuff
September 11, 2003