Ah yes, welcome back to Cufftopia, my little Cuff darlings. Last week we journeyed into a place full of surprises and liberalism.
This week I would like to conclude the Cufftopia Mini-Series by discussing what I consider to be the remaining highlights of this land.
The populaces of Cufftopia are a brilliant people, and they have researched the word “satire” and understand the deep meanings inherent to this word. They also have a penchant for sending e-mails that are not of the “hate” variety and attempt to be as nice as possible to those labeled “semi-weekly, semi-funny.”
When the residents of Cufftopia decide to leave their gorgeous and perfectly decorated homes (where you will find no evidence of zebra or leopard prints) to dine out, they enter these local eateries with a deep appreciation for the hard-working folk that wait on them.
Cufftopians understand that acting like a jerk to waiters is unacceptable. But they also understand that being nice is not an adequate tip. A Cufftopian’s ability to be pleasant to a perfect stranger for 45 seconds has never and will never pay the rent.
Being nice and tipping 10 percent is just as bad as being that douchebag who makes hand gestures across the restaurant that indicate a death (presumably from thirst) when their drink is not procured within 30 seconds. Cufftopians always tip their servers a minimum of 20 percent.
The ruling body is comprised of people who would never enter a foreign land for no good reason, kill a slew (read: thousands) of innocent bystanders and then come crying like a big baby to the United Nations for help after the United Nations told them exactly what would happen.
The leaders of Cufftopia would never slay diplomacy and destroy foreign relations in the interest of pleasing their daddy and their best friend who happen to have a lot of dough invested in oil. Oh, and they would never lie about the fact that they were killing all of these innocent people in an effort to advance their own careers and make more money.
That’s right, the Cufftopian public are actually allowed to elect their leaders, as opposed to them buying their way in office (“oo! Daddy! Will you buy me the presidency for Christmas?!”). Ok, I’ll stop there (I can smell the hate mail now).
I would like to help this campus out. I feel that my Cufftopia exposé has been a useful guide for those who desire to “change the world.” But I feel that something should be done on a smaller scale.
That’s why I’ve decided to open up Cuff for questions. I’ll be answering e-mailed queries about love, relationships, politics, religion, neuro-surgery, calf-breeding, diplomacy and the art of Cuffing. If you can think of anything else, let me know…that list should cover the gaps in your knowledge, though.
Send me an e-mail and pour out your heart. I won’t print any names (unless they’re really funny). And I’ll probably reword your questions into something we here at Cuff call “coherent sentences” (see above: thinly veiled references to previously sent hate mail).
I look forward to your conundrums and unsolvables: [email protected].