Well, I survived the past few days without getting murdered in my sleep by the heavily mustached man of State Street. With that fiasco out of the way I can focus on my one true love: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Oh the evenings I spend in such enamored bliss wishing that I was a straight guy so that I could be made over by a team of stereotype promotin’ gay men. Alack.
In other news, Barbara Streisand has been reported as saying that her own songs bore her. Making fun of this information is too obvious. So, I’m now going to provide a few seconds for you to provide your own commentary on the matter. That’s right. It’s been such a slow week I can’t even dredge up the energy to make fun of Barbara Streisand myself, which is by the way, one of my favorite hobbies. In the interest of providing you, dear readers, with something/someone to laugh at, I’m now going to pretend to be a group of people making fun of me. May I present: The Anna Byars is a Total Tool Top Ten List:
1) What’s this whole “gay” thing about anyway? Doesn’t she know that the whole “alternative sexuality” trend went out of style the day My So Called Life went off the air? Good lord. And the way she talks about it all the time… what’s the deal with that? She has short hair, the gay thing is just about as obvious as it could be.
2) I heard Anna Byars owns a rolly back pack she’s embroidered with sunflowers and peace symbols. She goes to the mall and does laps with the back pack. It’s really sad.
3) You think that’s bad, what about the fact that all she does is watch the weather channel and knit her own homemade beanie babies? The rumor is that she’s going to start marketing her beanie babies on the internet, quit writing the Cuff, drop out of school, grow her hair out, and live on the beach alone making those weird little dolls. [Cuffist interjection: Dude, they’re not “dolls,” they’re beanie babies and they’re really rad].
4) Anna Byars is a tool because when she’s not crafting, she’s writing folk songs about how nobody likes her and she can’t find a parking space. I snuck into her cave-like room and found some lyrics:
Nobody likes a Cuffist, this Cuffist’s all alone; I ain’t allowed to park anywhere near my home; This day will be my last; I can’t live down my past; Me and my knit crafts will prob’ly move to Rome
Was that limerick? Yeah, dude I think it was. Who writes folks songs in limerick form?
5) Alright, I think that I have the ultimate proof that Anna Byars is a tool. She stays up late every night writing fan mail to George W. Bush commending him on his excellent work as president. The truth is that she’s really obsessed with him and doesn’t know how to express her affection. She would do anything to spend just five minutes whispering sweet nothings into those floppy Dumbo-esque ears.
Alright, now you are hooked on the Anna B. gossip, tune in next week for numbers 6-10.