One would think the most powerful country in the world would be able to find a better way to express its diplomatic animosity toward another industrialized country than sophomorically attempting to remove the nominal influences of the “cheese eating surrender monkeys” on American cuisine.
Maybe it’s because diplomacy and peace are no longer American ideals-now it’s violence, revenge, and war. That the Defense Department gets more money in a week than the State Department receives in the entire year is a good indication of American priorities.
The United States is never wrong, right? At least that’s what those patriotic forwards that infiltrate e-mail accounts by the dozens seem to indicate.
A personal favorite reminds hard working Americans that it was the good ole U.S. of A. that saved France’s ass from the Germans almost 60 years ago. The thrust seems to be that France owes the United States its unwavering support on any proposition, no matter how egregiously wrong it may be.
Here’s a question to ponder. Where would the United States be without Lafayette and Rochambeau? Still singing God Save the Queen?
Better yet, where would the United States be without Montesquieu, Voltaire and Rousseau? Many Americans already know the answer to that question-those subjected to the tyrannical Patriot Act, which in practice condemns people simply because they are of a particular religion.
Simply put, without France, there would be no United States. So why do Americans keep bringing up Normandy? With the financial and military support of the French crown, America gained its sovereignty, so why does the U.S. balk at the idea that France has its own?
So what does the United States government do when other first world countries refuse to participate in its murderous shenanigans? Why, bribe or threaten weak third-world countries with much needed aid, of course. Support the USA or else! All the while the average tax-payer foots the bill and the super-rich get a huge tax break.
Then Congress can, in a grand act of immaturity, take revenge on those stinking French and remove that nation’s name from all items on its cafeteria menu. Boy, that House of Representatives! Gee, it really got the French’s goat with that one.
But seriously, if the United States is going to be a nation of Francophobes, it needs to go all the way. Because this is America, and that is how it’s done. As a red-blooded, God fearing state in this country, Louisiana must conform to the wishes of, as Reveille columnist Ryan Merryman put it, the “President of the United States and Texas, Emperor of Iraq, Afghanistan, Earl of ye olde England, and Defender of the Faith, etc.” Well, let’s just call him the dubbya-a-r-monger for short.
To hell with French culture in Louisiana! Because those bearing the names Boudreaux, Broussard, Herbert, Robicheaux, Theriot, Thibodeaux and the like are inherently unpatriotic and therefore obviously don’t support our troops in Iraq (God forbid), they must adopt traditional surnames of the countries that supported the war in Iraq, otherwise they’ll be thrown into Guantanamo. “Bush” is a common but excellent choice for those in search of a new, aesthetically pleasing patriotic name.
Basically, the French suck so much they must be driven out of this country. They impede the United States’ foreign policy goals, which are of the utmost importance. For if the United States government doesn’t bring on the apocalypse by supporting Israel at any cost thus enraging the Muslim world bringing on the holy war, this country will lose its covenant with God. Besides, Bush will lose the Christian conservative vote. Damn the French!
Because Louisiana has such a horrid French background, it will be particularly hard to rid Louis…sorry…Bushiana of the infidel. The United States hates the French, Bush is Jesus himself, though militant, and whoever doesn’t like it, god damn it, can leave.
God Bless America.