In an effort to keep you, the faithful readers of this column (and nothing else in this paper), informed about the world around you, your Cuffist has employed a crackerjack team of campus investigators to bring you all the latest news.
Sure, The Reveille is an entire paper of campus news, but we in the Cuff bureau feel that the other so-called “reporters” aren’t informing you readers of all the really serious campus issues.
Your faithful Cuffist and our grade-A team of investigators (formerly LSU Union squirrels we lured into the job with promises of French fries) are here to change all that with “Cuff news in brief”:
Freshman receives cord warning
A freshman in Kirby Smith Hall was issued an electrical cord warning when his RA discovered a refrigerator, a microwave, a television, a DVD player, a VCR, three game systems, a stereo, a lava lamp, a cordless phone, a reading lamp, an alarm clock and a laptop plugged into several beige and brown extension cords.
“Our policy specifically states residents must use white extension cords, and he used some beige and brown cords,” said Matthew Gulp, the RA who issued the warning. “It’s really a cut-and-dry case.”
Joseph Boudreaux, the resident, has 24 hours to replace the cords.
“Whatever,” said Boudreaux.
Crappy cover band to play local bar
A really crappy cover band is playing somewhere in Baton Rouge this weekend, according to experts.
Officials do not know which really crappy cover band will play in the area or where the band will strike, but they are certain the band will suck.
“We think they’ll probably charge a five dollar cover,” said local music expert, Jerry Gustafson. “They’ll probably also be out of tune and just suck in general.”
Gustafson warns local bar patrons that the band may play tunes like Creed’s “Higher,” Led Zeppelin’s “Paint it Black” or even Dave Matthews’ “What Would You Say.”
“I urge anyone who appreciates good music to steer clear of these bands,” he said. “The only way we can curb their invasion is to drain their fiscal resources.”
Fans offer coaching tips online
Fans think they know what the men’s basketball team should do to step up in the next few weeks, according to campus message boards.
“We all think the team is good, but they just suck sometimes,” said LSUfan98324 (his screen name is used to protect his true identity). “The guys just aren’t doing it this season, but we know how they can tighten up the game.”
LSU fan sites are experiencing record numbers of fan posts on what the team should do to have a snowball’s chance in a Baton Rouge summer at making the NCAA tournament, he said.
“A lot of us played basketball in middle school,” LSUfan98324 said. “I think the coaches and players should definitely use our expertise to their advantage. I mean, we really know our stuff.”