In my younger days, I always wondered why a long, boring speech by the President (even one with an official name like “State of the Union Address”) was so important that it couldn’t wait until after “Home Improvement.” Everyone’s favorite do-it-yourself sitcom has come and gone, but sadly, I’m asking myself the same question today.
The quaint, arcane tradition known as the State of the Union Address has evolved into one of our nation’s peculiar traditions, along the lines of the Super Bowl: everyone seems to watch, but nothing much seems to happen. Tonight’s speech will be no different, and its most distinguishing characteristics likely will be length, tedium and repetition.
The President can speak for as long as he wants — until he makes sense, if that’s what it takes, but what is he really going to say? You guessed it, the same thing you’ve heard every day for quite some time now.
The problem here is not President Bush — it’s the hour of life that a large portion of Americans will waste tomorrow night, listening to the same tired rhetoric that they could read every single day in any newspaper. The problem is the weight and importance attached to an address that could be severely streamlined.
If you’re not a fan of Big Government, Mr. President, then let’s start our cuts with your speech tonight. Less is more.
How about …
“My fellow Americans, I am George W. Bush, your President. I don’t like Saddam Hussein because he tried to kill my dad, treats his citizens badly and may one day have the capability to cause harm to America. If anyone disagrees with this assessment, I frankly don’t care.
I also realize a lot of you out there are, for lack of a better term, running out of money. Well, that’s an easy one — you’re running out of money, so I’ll just give you all some, in the form of tax breaks. Eventually this may have some sort of positive or negative effect on the economy, which may or may not result in you having money again, as opposed to now, when you have none.
Also, I couldn’t drop in and say hello without letting you all know how much I feel for your health care struggles. Everybody gets sick, and I think when someone gets sick, they should be able to buy medicine. If they can’t afford it, I have a plan that will have the government pay for their medicine — just as long as they’re team players and sign up for a private plan. I know this sounds confusing, a government plan that only gives government funds through non-governmental channels, but trust me. It’ll work.
Be good consumers. Buy lots and lots of stuff. This helps the economy.
God bless you all. We will smoke out the evildoers. We will stop the Axis of Evil. We will not play games any more. And finally, God bless you, Tony Blair. Good night. Sleep tight.”
Wham, bam, thank you George. He’d be on and off in five minutes. America would rejoice, “Frasier” would resume. Let the pundits chew on that.
My dream won’t be realized, but I still have one personal expectation for tonight’s speech: I’d like W to defend the selection of Celine Dion to sing the pre-Super Bowl “God Bless America.” Sure, we all loved the theme from “Beauty and the Beast,” but there’s no getting around the fact that CELINE DION IS FROM CANADA.