Most men know the unwritten rule that women rarely go into public restrooms alone.
I hope to help educate the female population about male bathroom etiquette.
Rule No. 1: Minimize conversation
Girls might got to the bathroom in groups to catch up on the latest gossip, but men go in to take care of their business at hand.
Guys will hold any important stories until they have exited the relief area.
There is no chatting – there is rarely a spoken word. Most communication is nonverbal: simple, serious nods with no smiles to say hello at the sink.
Of course, extreme circumstances occur.
When men have to actually (and often regretfully) sit down in a public restroom stall – most guys prefer to do this in a more familiar toilet – they are met with a heart-wrenching sound.
Girls know the sound, too: the hollow spin of an empty toilet paper roll.
The situation is even more regretful after the dirty work already has been done.
Though this unlucky chap is embarrassed, the other men in the bathroom will wait until after the problem has been solved before capitalizing on his sorrow.
The gentlemen-at-arms will break the rule of silence to rescue their brother from his predicament with an under-the-stall pass of that treasured TP.
Ripping on the guy who was in need after he exits the restroom is perfectly ethical, however.
Rule No. 2: Cut out contact
From what I’ve heard, some girls actually make physical contact in the bathroom – to powder one another’s noses and such.
Guys just don’t do stuff like that.
True, most guys don’t powder their noses, anyway. But touching another guy in a bathroom is just unnecessary.
We don’t even shake hands.
That particular part of the rule should be a given, even to the ladies.
A lot of guys don’t wash their hands after handling their business.
Why would you want to shake a guy’s hand when you know what else that hand just shook?
Any other conceivable acts of physical contact in a men’s restroom also should be avoided at all costs.
Rule No. 3: Odd numbers are our friends
Girls’ restrooms generally have stalls around toilets.
Because of the anatomical blessings we enjoy, guys can stand up and use the bathroom, making stalls unnecessary for that particular function.
This is where urinals come into play.
For those of you ladies who have never seen one, a urinal is a toilet on the wall. It is meant only for “going no. 1.”
Urinals normally are placed side by side without any type of partition between them.
Good bathroom architects always will put odd (as opposed to even) numbers of urinals on a men’s restroom wall.
Now, if a guy walks into a bathroom with five urinals, he should go to one on either end or the middle one – any of the odd numbered ones.
Guys don’t really like to stand beside one another when they do their thing.
So if an inconsiderate guy went to the no. 2 or no. 4 spots, he could upset the bathroom’s balance.
This could result in an awkward and discomforting situation by forcing some other unfortunate dude to have to pee right beside him.
Again, exceptions sometimes are made.
Large numbers of men at sporting events often mean having to go right beside another sports fan. But guys are usually in a big enough hurry to get back to the game that there is not enough time to feel weird.
Then there’s the trusty ole multi-occupant urinal men like to call “the trough.”
Ladies, picture in your mind a five-foot long sink, two feet off the ground with three guys peeing into it.
Not a pretty picture, huh?
We don’t think so either.
I hope this gave the ladies a better look into just one facet of the male mind.
For any of you guys out there who missed out on these unspoken rules while growing up, here’s your chance to shape up.
Adhering to them will make for better excretory processes for men everywhere.
Don’t take Adam too seriously and contact him at [email protected]