I sure am hearing a lot about “sell-outs” lately, and I’m not talking about music venues that have reached maximum occupancy.
One sell-out occurred when Bank One bought the NFL team formerly known as the Chicago Bears.
Now, “Da Bears” will be known as “Bears football presented by Bank One.”
Sounds awful, doesn’t it?
Well, it might sound like the evil, corporate empire has started its tyrannical takeover of an American past time, but all Bank One is really doing is diving into another past time – the American Dream.
The American Dream – or a little more simply put, greed and materialism -really can be a beautiful thing.
It’s free enterprise at its best: the ole Invisible Hand working its monetary magic.
People have to act in their best financial interests.
We don’t criticize people for taking “better jobs” that pay more than their previous ones, or moving into mansions from shotgun houses.
Sure, “Bears football presented by Bank One” sounds a lot dumber, but it’s all about cash flow. Ain’t that rich?
Now that’s America.
I can’t help but think of the same analogy for the Louisiana coastline. Sure, a lot of people think it’s too ugly for tourism.
But when you’re standing on the beach at Grand Isle, staring out at the Gulf of Mexico, you should really be admiring the oil rigs along with the water’s natural beauty.
Drilling is money.
I think everything and everyone should get a corporate sponsor.
The good citizens of Grand Isle could change their town’s name to “Grand Isle, brought to you by ExxonMobil.”
Indie rocker Liz Phair recently released a self-titled new album. Her previous three albums have been rough around the edges in terms of production and moved mere fractions of the numbers of copies of the likes of Sheryl Crow or Alanis Morrissette.
“Liz Phair” has tracks produced by the Matrix, the slick production team that helped make Avril Lavigne’s debut album a commerial success.
Phair told the Chicago Tribune she wanted to appeal to a larger audience.
What’s wrong with that? She wants more money, and this is her chance.
So she might be remembered as “Matrix presents Liz Phair: the punk princess who compromised her musical integrity.”
I don’t think she’ll mind as she swims around in all those dollars.
Who could forget the Chicago Cub’s Sammy Sosa, the former home run king turned corked bat king?
Yes, his baseball career could be ruined. But I’ve found a new line of work for Sammy.
At www.flex-a-chart.com, there is an amazing product called Self Healing Cork!
What better way to salvage his financial well being than with the very product that ruined it?
This could be exactly the healing Sammy needs.
Self Healing Cork is sold in rolls and is great for going on the backs of dry erase boards and trophy cases.
Certainly Sammy needs a dry erase board to leave himself notes about, well, not taking cork-filled bats to real games.
Then there are all the trophies he has won during his baseball career. He could build his own case, lined with Self Healing Cork.
He could do the company’s commercials: “I’m Sammy Sosa. I use Self Healing Cork for more than just household items. It has healed my life and my endorsement career.”
There is even cork glue!
That would be great for quickly picking up pieces of broken bats and gluing them together before anyone notices the cork exploding out of them.
Sammy’s new name could be “Self Healing Cork’s Sammy Sosa: We glued his career back together, just like we can glue a roll of cork to the inside of your trophy case for $19.99!”
Don’t take Adam too seriously and contact him at [email protected]