So I just failed a biology test.
I’m feelin’ pretty good about that.
Anywho, have you ever hired a dominatrix to come over and entertain you?
I did last night. I’m not sure why I hired one; I guess I was lonely.
But you know, it’s not exactly entertainment.
It’s more like gettin’ your ass beat — literally, with whips and canes and stuff.
I couldn’t believe I paid someone to kick my ass.
Don’t get me wrong, it was sexy in a Ike and Tina kinda way, but it’s definitely not something I could do nightly.
Hell, I can hardly walk today.
You know, it’s that gag that really doesn’t work for me.
So, she came over and kicked my ass and took my money, and it only lasted about 20 minutes.
She was about to leave, and I was like, “hmmm ummmm ey hemmmm!”
“What,” she said.
“Hmmm ummmm ey hemmmm!”
I could tell she still didn’t understand so I tried to speak a little slower.
“Hhhhhmmmmmmmmm uuuuummmm eyyyyy hhhhheeeeeeeemmmmmm!”
You know if she’d just come take the F***ing gag out of my mouth she might be able to understand me — damn!
Finally she came over and took the red ball out of my mouth, and I was able to say, “Thanks for kickin’ my ass. I needed it.”
“Wow,” she said, “no one’s ever thanked me before.”
And I was like, “Probably because you leave with your clients still gagged and tied to the bedpost.”
“Would you like to have dinner with me?”
I was like, “As long as you leave your paddle in the car.”
She laughed, I got dressed, and we headed down to the Huddle House for a nice breakfast steak.
The funny thing about it was she really was a kind, gentle person.
I mean, she was still wearing her leather bustier, fishnet stockings and knee-high hooker boots, but gentle all the same.
Then she told me she was a man.
To tell you the truth, I felt a little better about getting my ass kicked by a guy, but still.
I mean, she was hot. He was hot. I mean, you know — handsome. I’m confused.
Another odd thing was he spent 7 minutes spreading jelly on a half piece of toast.
7 minutes — no lie.
The piece of toast was perfectly covered in grape jelly.
The jelly was spread evenly over the surface. No tears, no heavy spots… just perfect.
Then, he dipped the toast in steak sauce and ate it.
It was amazing to watch.
It just goes to show you “taste” is about as subjective as things come.
Good or bad, at least you don’t have a gag in your mouth.