Dear Tim,
My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives with me and I’m getting very frustrated with the situation. He claims to have his own apartment, yet I have never seen him leave to go there once! He uses our utilities and never pays a cent. I’m tired of coming home to find him home alone without her there. I like him, but I’m tired of him being around when she isn’t. I was under the impression that I would just be living with her, not her boyfriend too. What do I tell her without hurting her feelings? — “Hot and Bothered”
Dear “Hot and Bothered,”
This is a really tough call. However, there are a few things you can do before you risk your friendship with this girl. First, deal with him, not her. Unless this guy is tactless jackass, he will oblige when you ask him to stop adjusting the thermostat. If he puts up a fight, it is not unreasonable for you to call him on being a freeloader. If I were you, I would get aggravated if he was around when she wasn’t. He is your roommate’s boyfriend, not yours. You shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable with your living situation. Second, you may try to bring up his place whenever possible. Ask your roomie why they never stay over there or why he keeps his wardrobe in her closet. Communicating how you feel to your roommate with understanding and patience should get the job done. But, if it doesn’t you can always report them to the front desk and get her and the freeloader evicted. In all seriousness, you need to bring these things up to your roommate. What you are complaining about is not unreasonable. Don’t sacrifice your comfort and sanity just because you are afraid to confront your roommate. Don’t forget: you pay as much as she does.
Dear Tim,
My girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend just came out of the closet. Do you think it could happen to me? — “Concerned”
Dear “I can’t even think of anything sarcastic enough,”
I am going to assume for a minute that you are serious. In which case, I am sad for you. Last time I checked, gay is not a sexually transmitted disease. Your girlfriend’s ex probably came out of the closet because he was ready at this point in his life, not because your girlfriend’s magical spell finally took effect. If I were you I wouldn’t worry about those scary gay people with cooties coming to get you out of the closet. Just be on the lookout. If you start to tie sweaters around your neck or you start listening to Cher a little more than normal, your girlfriend might be trying to strike again. If you think she is, you should report her to the Bush administration, they will amend the Constitution so it won’t include her. (Or, they will exile her to San Francisco.)