After 43 years, the couple that I have strived to emulate since I was a child broke up.
No, not my parents; Barbie and Ken have called it quits.
That’s right, no more beach volleyball or cruising around Malibu in a pink convertible for Barbie and Ken.
Don’t worry girls, I’m sure the gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and sleeping 20 hours out of the day won’t affect her perfect figure.
As for Ken, he wants to stay friends. But, we all know that this breakup was a result of his failure to commit after 43 years.
It’s the harsh reality of breakups. All of us have been involved in a breakup, some way, either as the dumper or the dumpee.
How do you break up with someone?
The song is wrong; breaking up is not that hard to do. It’s just a test of our creativity and our quick-witted thinking. All you have to do is lie — like you’re the president.
You certainly don’t tell them that they have gained 20 pounds since y’all started dating, that they have really bad breath or that they are quicker than Bounty (the quicker picker-upper: good for paper towels, bad in bed).
Telling them the truth would just be too harsh, plus you wouldn’t want to close the door on possible “re-hooking up booty.”
I’m a firm believer in recycling.
Therefore, lying is inevitable. So here’s how to let them down gently.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This is George Castanza’s break up routine. This is of course a load of bologna because we all know that we, personally, can do no wrong.
If you really liked them, you wouldn’t be breaking up with them. And if it were really you then they would be breaking up with you, not the other way around. It works so well because they can’t promise to change or leave you alone for a while because it’s you, not them.
“It’s better this way.” This is when you try to convince the person you are with that breaking up right now will be better than stretching out to another six months of horrible sex and constant fighting. Since you really care for the person, you would hate to waste their time. So why not just call it quits? This is a favorite of people who lack the patience or the balls to communicate and work through things.
“I just want to be friends.” This is of course the ultimate classic — the “Godfather” of breaking up lines. Heck, Ken used it on Barbie.
For example: you and the person are really compatible and you love hanging out with them. But, that’s the problem. You are no longer passionately attracted to them and y’all have simply stopped fooling around — you have become friends.
If you don’t take any advice from anyone, take this from me: breaking up sucks, so remember that guys like girls who swallow.