Valentines Day, it’s the oral sex of holidays — you either love it or you hate it.
The worst part about Valentine’s Day is the hassle of buying a gift — like oral sex, we would rather receive than give.
Searching for a perfect present is more stressful than a gynecologist appointment.
Your present is a symbol of how you see the relationship. A blender doesn’t really convey the thought of “I love you.” Although a ring does, there is a time requirement for such a present, just ask Britney Spears.
I once had a guy give me a gym membership. I tried to tell myself “it’s the thought that counts,” but what the hell was he thinking? I know exactly what he was thinking: “lay off the Cheese Whiz.”
I also had a friend who had been dating a guy for two years and received a T-shirt from her boyfriend’s trip to Walt Disney World that said, “I survived Splash Mountain.” I know this isn’t the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, but duration of time has to count for something.
So, what are you going to give your special someone? It’s only two days away, and if you are like me, you need to get going.
Not only is the present a symbol of the relationship, but also it’s the signal you’ve been waiting to see from your coach to hit a home run. So pay attention, this is batting practice.
Guys, get a girl something romantic. I know this is a no-brainer, but I’ve heard some pretty unusual things from the V-days of the past. I’m not saying spend a lot of money or be extremely cheesy; just put some thought into it. Flowers, card (but write something in it other than your name), chocolate, etc. are all good presents in an affordable range. You may find that these gift options are overused, but they do work.
Girls, hang up your chastity belts. We all know what guys want for Valentine’s Day — they want us to show thanks that they acknowledged this highly overrated holiday. So, pop in that Marvin Gaye CD and get it on. Don’t get your red and pink panties in a wad, I am not suggesting to put out. This is just what the guys want for V-day. If you want to take the road less traveled, giving him a card and cooking him dinner will be good enough.
For those who don’t have a Valentine, good old Jack Daniels and Jim Beam make fine V-day dates. Luckily, V-day falls on a Saturday as opposed to a weekday, so it is easier to avoid the couple sightings. On Tuesday, Jay Melder gave an alternative to the V-day booty: if you can’t be with someone, beat it.
So, good luck in your quest for a Valentine’s present and have a Happy Valentine’s Day.
And if you don’t take any of the above advice, take this from me: The key to good oral sex (or Valentine’s Day) is to pretend that you enjoy it.