Ten games into LSU’s football season, it’s not too difficult to point the flaws of this year’s football team. And at this point in the year, it’s probably too late for the Tigers to make too many vast improvements, so I’m not going to bore you with more pointless analysis.
Instead, I’m going to highlight the flaws and see how — in a perfect world — we could fix them.
How can we fix our flaws, you ask?
You guessed it — the video store.
Confused? Bear with me. Think of all the great heroes of all the great football movies. Some no-name player gets thrust from the junk pile to the spotlight and wins the game and becomes a champion.
I’ve seen it a thousand times.
LSU needs a spark, and if I had it my way, I’d give these guys a shot. It couldn’t hurt, after all, because most of these movies had happy endings.
Where do we begin?
Defensive playmaker.
Okay, so the defense has been pretty impressive. But imagine the look on the quarterback’s face if he saw…
Bobby Boucher (played by Adam Sandler), “The Waterboy.”
The bad Louisiana accents and fictitious “SCLSU” team made this movie inexcusable. Boucher sure could hit hard, but he was dumb as a brick. I’d be willing to bet he’d struggle learning Will Muschamp’s blitz schemes. Pass.
Or how about…
Luther “Shark” Lavay (played by Lawrence Taylor), “Any Given Sunday.”
Okay, so the guy played in the NFL. But he’s 45 years old now, and I’d be willing to bet he couldn’t run down Arkansas quarterback Matt Jones. South Carolina has a 37-year-old, maybe they’d be interested. Bench him too.
Send in the little guy…
Dan “Rudy” Ruttieger (played by Sean Astin), “Rudy.”
A timeless classic. Rudy was small, but he made up for it with heart. Wanna see a 220-pound man cry like a school girl? Watch this movie with my dad, a man in touch with his emotions. RU-DY, RU-DY, RU-DY.
Honorable mention: “The Icebox”, Little Giants.
Where else could we use the help?
Offensive playmaker.
I’m not talking about quarterback here. We’ve had a shortage of big plays on offense this season and could use the help of…
Gavin Grey (played by Dennis Quaid), “Everybody’s All-American.”
This movie is watchable because the football scenes were shot in Tiger Stadium and it features footage from actual LSU games. Quaid can make the plays on the field, but becomes a has-been as time wears on. Sort of goes against Saban’s philosophy to affect someone positively every day. Bench him.
How about…
Forrest Gump (played by Tom Hanks), “Forrest Gump.”
Okay, so the super-fast Gump is not an offensive player but a kick returner, but let’s not split hairs here. LSU has yet to return a kickoff for a touchdown this season, so if Gump transferred from Alabama and sat out a season to comply with SEC rules, we’d be in business in a few years. No dice, however, because Gump might mistakenly kneel the ball on the one-yard line…
Let’s give the ball to…
Rod Tidwell (played by Cuba Gooding, Jr.), “Jerry Maguire.” You gotta love Tidwell’s rise from mediocrity to become the team’s hero. Sure he played at Arizona State, and he wants you to show him the money, but playing in the spotlight of Tiger Stadium would have surely helped his draft status.
Honorable mention: Air Bud, Golden Receiver.
And last, but certainly not least…
Quarterback.
This might be the team’s biggest weakness, so this one especially is important.
For starters…
Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves), “The Replacements.” Falco takes over the reigns for a team of replacement players after the pros go on strike. I would have given Falco the nod because it’s another feel-good story, but then I remembered I hate Keanu Reeves.
Next…
Paul Crewe (played by Burt Reynolds), “The Longest Yard.”
It’d be a crime against humanity to leave Burt off the list. Sure, he has a run in with the law in the movie, but the guy can flat out play football. Yes, he’s Burt Reynolds, but the man pales in comparison to…
Jonathan Moxon (played by James van der Beek), “Varsity Blues.” Noticing a trend? Mox fills in for the injured Lance Harbour in this melodramatic high school flick filled with whipped cream bikinis and cheesy one-liners (“I don’t want your life.”). Does it get much better than seeing Mox scramble into the endzone on the game’s final play to that magical song by The Foo Fighters? I think not.
There goes my hero,
watch him as he goes…