So, this is an advice column. All of the question are real and all of the names have been changed to discourage excess embarrassment.
I went ahead and changed all the names to make them more embarrassing.
Here goes nothing.
Dear Tim,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six months. He and I are getting pretty serious. I realize this is cliché, but when should I take him to meet my parents without freaking him out? — FAULKER-ette
Dear FAULKER-ette,
This is one of those age-old questions everyone always freaks out about. Obviously, you are no different. Here’s how to know when it’s time for him to meet your folks. First, tell your boy that he reminds you of your dad in some way. If he says, “Oh, really? I bet your dad and I would get along,” you’re in. He is ready to meet your parents. If he says, “Oh … cool,” he hates you and you should end it before he does so you can have the luxury of saying you broke up with him.
Dear Tim,
Am I still a virgin if I have phone sex? — ON VIBRATE
Dear ON VIBRATE,
Sad, but true disclaimer of the day: This was a real question.
Okay, ON VIBRATE. Here’s the deal. Phone sex is a healthy thing. It helps control the spread of STDs and I have never seen a baby come out of a phone receiver. So, we have established that phone sex has its benefits, but I want to go back to your original question. If you just had regular phone sex, you are safe. If you … well … had sex with the phone, you are very dirty. And, because of your dirtiness, your membership in the V Club has been revoked. (For more information, please see section 129-B in the V Club policies and procedures manual which can be found on newsstands throughout Tigerland.)
Dear Tim,
I am a freshman and I am not from Louisiana. I realize it is a big deal to win a National Championship but I think it’s gotten out of control. Where I come from colleges are about education, not football. — WOULD GET BEATEN BADLY IF I PRINTED YOUR NAME
Dear WOULD GET BEATEN BADLY IF I PRINTED YOUR NAME,
First, you didn’t ask a question. You see, this is an advice column. You write a question and I answer it. Pretty simple. Since you didn’t ask a question and I am feeling generous, I will give you some miscellaneous advice. Don’t let people know you think LSU football is stupid. They will not hesitate to hurt you. By the way, I added you to the listserve for the Tiger Athletic Foundation’s sniper team. I hope you don’t mind.