So, I’m in jail.
No, seriously — I’m in the can for a parking violation that I didn’t show up to court to defend.
Since I don’t have the 235 dollars to pay the ticket and leave, I’m here until one of my friends comes to bail me out.
The funny thing about friends is this: they’re only your friends until you’re in jail, and then they’re just broke.
Luckily, I convinced Officer Guerin, the holding cell guard, to let me use a laptop to write this article so I could e-mail it to my editor on time for deadline.
Officer Guerin allowed this on one condition: that I gave a “shout out” to his girlfriend Mandy who is a business senior.
(“Hey Mandy, I love you!”)
Anywho, I thought hard time was gonna be a lot “harder” than this — I’ve seen “Oz”.
I’ve made friends with this guy named Eyez.
He was in here for “teaching his old lady a lesson.”
“Some lesson,” I replied.
He told me that it was nothing new; only this time his wife walked in.
I got confused and instinctively changed the subject.
“Is this your first time doin’ time,” I asked.
“Hell no!” He continued to give his oral resumé.
I mean, not oral, but he told me where he’d … whatever!
“They sent me down to O.P.P for a year for aggravated assault. I was only out 2 months before I was back again for the same damn thing.
Only this time I got transferred to Avoyelles cuz [I] beat some fool who ganked my tooth paste.”
“Someone ganked your tooth paste,” I replied, “that’s F-ed up!”
“Hell yeah playa, anybody would’ve dug that Mutha’s eyes out with a tooth brush too. For real though, I didn’t need that brush cause he’d already used all the paste. That’s where I got the nick name Eyez.”
“Um, um, I don’t brush my teeth, so you don’t have to worry about me ah, ah “ganking” your tooth paste.”
The conversation kind’ve died so I asked another question — a prison question.
“So, have you ever been involved in any sort of prison sex?”
(Side note: don’t ever ask that question to a 6 foot 5-inch-tall white guy who thinks he’s black and probably carries around some sort of homophobic ideals, and who you know for a fact won’t hesitate gouging your eye balls out with a tooth brush.) So that hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, Eyez and I are still tight, after-all we’re cellmates.
Another thing to note about my dear friend Eyez is he’s a white supremacist, but he wears FUBU.
Obviously, my dear friend is a bit confused, or he thinks “Us” stands for “Them”.
I guess this would be a bad time to tell him I’m half Jewish, but then again maybe he’ll only hate half of me.
You know that’s another funny thing about friends; they’ll never really understand all of you.