It is just another “Manic Monday” and you are getting ready to watch your favorite show (Everybody Loves Raymond). All of a sudden, you realize the guy with the leather pants that you met at the bar on Friday hasn’t called you.
“What happened to third day callback?” you ponder.
You start coming up with all the possible reasons why he hasn’t called.
“Did he lose my phone number? Did he contract a rare and deadly disease like Trichinosis? Does he like men?” — I thought his leather pants were just metro-sexual.
“How could he not like me? I’ve got more junk in my trunk than the Sanford’s have in their yard,” you try to tell yourself.
Wednesday rolls around and he calls.
You have been waiting for this phone call for five days now. What do you do?
You don’t answer. Why? You figure he waited five days to call you, he can wait another two for you to call him back.
A wise person once said, “Don’t hate the playa; hate the game.” In relationships, do we play games? If so, I’m sure to be out faster than a fat kid in dodge ball.
Don’t over exhaust yourself like Anna Nicole after a flight of stairs, and after all, I told you that I’d lead you to the Promised Land.
In keeping with that covenant, here are the rules of engagement:
Boy Meets Girl: Girls, don’t stare at boy or approach him. It’s like the Field of Dreams – “if you build it they will come.” Boys, I don’t care if the girl is hotter than the Sahara, don’t go introduce yourself to a complete stranger. Stick to girls that share a mutual friend.
The Phone: Girls, don’t use it. Boys, pick a number, 1 through 5. Can’t be 1 (too quick), 3 (too obvious), or 5 (too long). Both of you, always end the phone conversation first, but be creative with your excuse while making yourself sound good. “I have to go feed the starving children of Ethiopia.”
Sex: Girls don’t put out right away. No one is going to buy the ice cream truck if you are handing out the popsicles for free. Boys, if you can get a girl to put out right away, high five. But, if you are having trouble getting a girl to… you know, just remember this: girls are like vending machines – you have to put something in before you can get something out. What do Monica Lewinski and a vending machine have in common? Both say “Insert Bill here.”
Now that you have the play
And if you don’t take any advice from anyone, take this from me; always stretch before the big game — you wouldn’t want to pull a muscle.