BATON ROUGE – Come December, LSU patrons of Highland Coffees will have to find a new place to get a cup of joe thanks to our impending death due to the spread of the ebola virus.
The CDC reported Tuesday that the first case of ebola in the United States was discovered in Dallas, just one state away from Highland Coffees’ location on State street.
According to the World Health Organization, the ebola virus is highly fatal, with some case fatalities up to 90%, posing a significant threat to the livelihood of Highland Coffees.
If the world doesn’t find a suitable solution to the ebola apocalypse, the results could be catastrophic for the coffee shop.
Muhammad al-Sharidi, an infectious disease researcher for LSU, says that ebola could become a threat for all of humanity and could lead to the collapse of society, thus spelling out the end for Highland Coffees.
“Ebola is highly infectious, dangerous, and potentially fatal,” al-Sharidi said. “If we don’t work together to combat this threat as a community, I don’t think Highland Coffees will even make it to their December lease deadline.”
LSU officials are advising students to be aware of the disease’s warning signs which include headache, fever, sore throat, and an intense desire for a cappuccino from Highland Coffees.
City officials are also advising residents to limit their contact with any wildlife around the city, including recently homeless hipsters babbling on their iPhones on the streets.
*This article is intended as satire, watch the Funyon every Thursday at 5:30 p.m.
