The gang is standing over a hole in the floor of the men’s restroom of Paddy’s Pub. The hole measures about four feet in diameter. Mac, Charlie and Dee have become enamored with the sinkhole, throwing various objects into it for experiments involving “the speed of light compared to the speed of metal.” Dennis is the only one not totally taken with the new distraction.
To divert attention from the hole, Dennis makes a joke at Frank’s expense. Frank is unresponsive to the abuse and seems distracted. He has suddenly realized that he doesn’t care about the sinkhole or anything else anymore. He announces his intent to retire to the entire gang before leaving the men’s restroom. After a beat, the four of them erupt in cheers of happiness.
With Frank out of the bar, Dennis is talking to the rest of the gang about their shares of Paddy’s Pub ownership. Frank owns 51% of the shares, with Dennis, Charlie and Mac each own a third of the remaining 49%. Charlie shows Dennis a slip of paper with the name “Franquito” on it that says this person owns 3%. Dennis shrugs it off by saying it’s probably one of Frank’s many shell companies he uses for scams. Charlie offers to take control of Mac and Dennis’ shares for majority ownership.
Mac remembers that they had drunkenly devised a “Paddy’s Succession Plan.” This would act like a will to determine who gets the remaining shares after one of their deaths. They dig it up, finding that it secures their shares to the firstborn kin. Since Dee and Dennis are Frank’s own twins, Dee thinks they are the rightful heirs to the shares. Charlie reminds them that they aren’t even Frank’s children, but actually the children of their mother’s suitor, Bruce Mathis. In fact, Charlie has a feeling he might actually be Frank’s son. Through all of this, Mac has trouble deciding whom he side with.
At his apartment, Charlie is cooking up a grossly unhealthy meal for Frank. Frank enters, wearing a tank top and sweating profusely. He refuses Charlie’s butter-soaked, fried dish, saying that he’s heard rumors of men’s body falling into disrepair after retirement. He’s trying to combat this by exercising and living healthily. Charlie asks Frank without hesitation if he is Frank’s son. Frank denies it, calling Charlie’s mother Bonnie a giant whore.
Mac enters the apartment, telling them that he’s decided to pull a con on both sides of the owner war. Of course, by doing this, he’s already ruined his plan to win out either way. Charlie is confused by this information, yet Mac is prepared to take a blood oath to Charlie. He grabs a knife and slices his palm, immediately screaming in pain. Charlie tells him he’s cut his hand with Frank’s disgusting toe knife. Mac wraps his hand in a dirty towel.
An idea comes to Mac to cut out the middleman and do his own paternity testing with Charlie. They go to a doctor’s office, where a physician tells them the bucket of blood they’ve brought to him has told him nothing about a paternity test. Apparently, they’ve filled a medium-sized bucket with Frank’s blood. Mac must have nicked a vein, allowing for such a large sample. The doctor tells them that the only thing he knows is that the person they’ve sampled from needs blood now.
Back at Paddy’s, Dennis and Dee are pacing through the bar, voicing their ideas about redesigning it once they own it. Mac comes in and starts explaining his plan to pledge allegiance to both sides, thus ruining his plan even further. He still offers a blood oath them as well. He cuts his hand again with a nearby paring knife used to halve limes. Mac screams in pain from the acid in his wound.
Charlie bursts in, waving a test paper in their faces. Dennis and Dee tell him they know it’s a fake paternity test. To test Mac’s supposed allegiance, they ask him to kick Charlie out of Paddy’s. Mac grabs Charlie and tries to put him into a sleeper hold. Charlie is unaffected, but Mac passes out from his effort.
Charlie returns to his apartment to find Frank sitting on the couch. His hair is gray, and he’s feeling sick and tired. Dee suddenly appears behind Charlie, telling him she’s worried about Dennis crossing her for the bar ownership.
They decide to take even more blood from Frank. Again, too much blood is taken. Charlie asks Dee who was born first of Dennis and her. She recalls her mother repeating the phrase, “First is worst.” This means Dee is the actual first born of the Reynolds family, making her the owner of the shares.
Hidden in Charlie’s closet, Mac overheard all of the “first is worst” plan. He rushes over to Paddy’s to warn Dennis about it. On his way, Mac also took some more blood from Frank, just in case. As another test of allegiance, Dennis asks Mac to run an errand for him.
Dennis begins cleaning a chair known as the “throne” of Paddy’s. Mac returns to tell Dennis he’s done his bidding and that Frank is on his way to the bar. Charlie and Dee arrive with Dee’s birth certificate in hand. They also made a blood oath of their own. With such a strong case for Dee, Mac moves to their side of the bar, pledging his allegiance.
Finally, Dennis reveals his plan — he discovered the name “Franquito” belongs to a real person. Franquito is the bastard child of Frank and Dennis and Dee’s Hispanic maid from the 1980s. Dennis located Franquito and has arranged to collect his shares in order to gain the majority ownership. Franquito, a portly ethnic man with a large bald spot, comes to Dennis from the back office.
Frank enters Paddy’s riding a motorized scooter. Because of his severe blood loss, he is very pale, lethargic and nearly falling over from his scooter. He takes a look at Franquito and is overjoyed at the sight of his son. Dennis asks Frank about Franquito’s rightful ownership shares. Seeing the deterioration of his body following retirement, Frank has since decided to announce his “unretirement,” hoping to return to his former glory.
Franquito is hired as Frank’s right-hand man to run Paddy’s. Frank plants himself in the “throne” and farts loudly, disgusting everybody around him. Exasperated that he has failed, Dennis reveals that Franquito is not really Frank’s firstborn son. He actually Franquito six years ago, and has been working to activate this plan for quit some time.
Dee, Mac and Charlie are disturbed by Dennis’ plotting and scheming for so long. Dennis distracts them by bringing up the sinkhole in the men’s restroom. They leave Dennis and head to the restroom, mentioning a possible “Goonies” situation that might result from the hole.
Dennis is left standing with Franquito in the bar. Franquito asks if Dennis is still going to pay him a promised $5. Dennis forks it over, calling Franquito greedy.
‘It’s Always Sunny…’ – Season 10 Episode 9 – ‘Frank Retires’
By Gerald Ducote
March 12, 2015
More to Discover