In light of recent catastrophic cuts to state funding of higher education, the University has announced a series of new measures designed to keep LSU afloat. Among the changes:
- Facility services will be installing new pay bathroom stalls, modeled after the Ryanair “pay to pee” program.
- All candidates for student government seats will now see a $500 filing fee – a program estimated to bring in several million a year due to “the insane number of folks who choose to run.”
- All faculty whose last names start with the letter “B” or “H” are fired, immediately.
- The English and History programs will be shuttered and replaced with a single 1000 level survey course, “Words from a While Ago.”
- Struggling students will now be able to purchase grades at a rate of $100 per .1 percent to their final grade, in all courses of level 3000 and lower.
- Students receiving scholarships to the University will now be asked to wear corporate logos on their clothes signifying which companies sponsored the scholarships, similar to the Nike swoosh seen on campus athletes.
- Eduroam will now charge students automatically at the rate of $25 per gigabyte of downloaded data.
University officials say that these changes will not make up for all the money lost from the state, but they are confident that with these and other adaptations, the University will continue to function in, “Some sort of recognizable capacity.”
Said one official, “I’m just glad I got married. My maiden name was Hutchinson.”
Editor’s Note: This story is a special April Fools’ edition at lsureveille.com.
