Ah, fall semester. The sun is shining, the humidity is high and the squirrels are as insidious as ever. As you enter the Brickyard from any direction, you are likely to hear a sound that, much like the Salvation Army bells of yuletide, truly captures the time of year. ‘Tis the season for Brickyard preaching.
Before I give some important tips on how to avoid this rare breed of Bible Belt fauna, I would like to mention how they found their way to our campus to begin with. As a public university, we are bound to designate free speech zones. Of these, the Brickyard is the largest, though solicitors are required to fill out a form and receive a permit. You can always call campus police to make sure, since, if you see multiple religious zealots at a time, odds are, one of them doesn’t have a permit.
It is always best to remember that the best defense is a good offense, so always enter the Brickyard from a good vantage point. The best I’ve found is the hill next to D.H. Hill Library, but even if you can’t use geography to your advantage, always take the time to survey the situation. The stairs in front of the Atrium, music stands with no visible instruments, and the grassy area towards Bostian Hall are all prime entry areas.
First and foremost, never make eye contact. This shows weakness, and the aggressors will pounce. If you don’t want to stare at your feet and pretend to watch for uneven bricks, you can use a decoy method. Open your cell phone and act like you are having a conversation, or better still, put your iPod earphones in and then you will be visibly oblivious.
Generally, if they are already surrounded by a group of unsuspecting students, you are safe. You don’t have to run faster than the predator, just faster than your slowest friend. They are already done for, let them be. But still be wary, because the ones hunting alone in suits are often the most problematic. They have no qualms about interrupting your fast, late-for-class walk or your beeline for Chick-fil-A.
If you find yourself caught, do not antagonize them. Simply give one word answers to their questions, but make sure they are the ‘correct’ answers. If you wish to give the ‘wrong’ answers, you may do so, but be prepared for a battle royale. In this case, you must speak and then walk away quickly without looking back. Looking back could make eye contact, and eye contact means weakness, we’ve been over this.
Although I once spent time wondering why there are no Brickyard Muslims, Brickyard Buddhists, or even Brickyard Scientologists, I have finally accepted that these Brickyard Preachers are simply a product of the South, like fried chicken and grits. They are also a peril of attending a public institution, but hopefully my tips will help you avoid the seemingly inevitable. Stay alert, stay cautious, and stay low to the ground. Good luck and Godspeed.
E-mail Catie about the Brickyard preachers at [email protected].
