A great challenge has been put to The Daily Reveille, and I intend to answer it. In my political theory class a few weeks ago, my professor went off on a tangent. He complained that “The Daily Revile” was not concerned with anything of substance. He said if The Daily Reveille was really concerned about the truth, would it not ask the most important question to the University community: What is happiness? Granted, he went on this tangent to illustrate the importance of the search for truth among philosophers. But as an opinion journalist concerned with the high reputation of this paper, I could not let us remain “The Daily Revile.” So I set out to ask people, “What is happiness?” Knowing this would be a great quest, I took my friend along, and we set off to delve into the University to find the answers. My friend suggested that since Greeks founded philosophy, I should ask the modern-day Greeks. So we went down toward the frat houses, but unfortunately we were separated from the path that does not stray and found ourselves outside Bogie’s. Abandoning all hope, we entered the bar and immediately knocked over a drunken man. I knelt down and picked him up. I inquired where his friends were, but he was in a stupor. He mumbled something about how his friends were “lamer than a bag of hammers in a windstorm,” which my friend and I could not decipher, so we posed our question to this drunk. He replied, “Bra, you just gotta feed your needs. Get laid and get drunk. It’s your body; you do whatever it tells you to, and then you’ll be free.” If he had more to say, it was lost in a belch. I was not satisfied, so my friend suggested we find a place where there is a lively exchange of ideas. We then went down to Free Speech Alley and found the men of the Consuming Fire Fellowship “preaching” amid an angry crowd. I plunged myself into the fray, and my friend managed to guide me through the angry atheists to reach one preacher with a full belly, an overgrown beard and a really nice cell phone. I asked him what happiness was, and after he spent an hour telling me the various torments I would suffer in hell, he gave his answer: “Happiness is total security in one’s beliefs. To reach a state in which one never questions is the happiest state,” he said. Again I was unsatisfied, so I decided to go to the University’s keeper of truth: The Daily Reveille. Perhaps my editors would have the answer. We went down to the basement of Hodges Hall and dared to approach the esteemed editors of this paper. I opened the door to the foggy and cold room from which they dispatch their wisdom. Timidly, I approached this great council to ask my question. First, they told me their happiness is greatly assured when I turn in columns on time that don’t require three pages of letters to the editor and a forum. Then they said, “Never be beguiled. Check all your sources and never believe in anything that you cannot definitively prove beyond any doubt. If you cannot see or touch it, assume it is not real.” I thanked them, and my friend showed me the way through the fog to the exit. As we climbed up from the basement, my friend told me to go to Memorial Tower and think about the answers I received. So I sat beneath the lit tower and mulled over the responses. The drunk told me to satisfy my passions, to be happy and free, yet I’ve always thought humans should act like humans, not animals. The preacher said that one should be secure in one’s belief, yet I knew that the world is full of mysteries I could not explain. The editors had told me to not trust in what I could not prove, yet I could never prove happiness in that way. Perhaps to be happy is to realize there is no happiness? I suffered through this thought until next to me sat a pretty girl donning a name tag with “Beatrice” on it. In a last fit of journalistic vigor, I asked her my question. She laughed a minute and looked out upon the stars dotting the sky above the Parade Ground. “Every being has an end and to be happy is to live for that end. You were made to love others. Set aside all things that prevent you from loving others, whether they are your fears of questioning, your selfish desires or your needs of absolute certainty. Then love others.” That sounded pretty good. Then a tailgater told us happiness was beating the heck out of Arkansas this Friday, and that didn’t sound half bad either.
—Contact Michael Denton at [email protected]