I had a revelation this week -apparently God wants me to be rich. This epiphany did not come through a flaming seraph or blinding light. No, the divine message flowed through my television and proclaimed, ‘Give your soul to God, and send your tithes to me.’ These same words echo through the airwaves in a constant bombardment of solicitation and promises of prosperity. Unfortunately, that winning lotto ticket can only be dished out after sowing one’s ‘faith seed,’ which sounds awfully perverse. For the purposes of this column, I am willing to look past the notorious sex scandals of televangelists in years past. It would be too easy to go on a tirade against the likes of Ted Haggard and our own Bluebonnet plague Jimmy Swaggart. Is polygamous hypocrisy the only accusation one can muster against these Chaucerian frauds? Not even close. Two particular charges come to mind. The first goes out to the faith healers, specifically Benny Hinn and Peter Popoff. Hinn is notorious for flailing his coat in a whirlwind of spiritual effluence and dropping masses to the floor with a mere touch of his holy hand. The after-effects are believed to include healed pains and known to include empty wallets. Popoff can be found on BET late at night peddling ‘miracle spring water’ and other preposterous paraphernalia. This same man went bankrupt in 1983 when James Randi exposed the voices from God he was hearing telling him the names of people in the audience and their ailments was actually coming from an earpiece with his wife on the other end. She happened to be reading these names and ailments off the prayer-request cards people had filled out on their way in. And, in the land of opportunity, this fraud has once again been given the chance to cheat the pious ignorant of their money. Could it be this simple? Are some capable of curing diseases for large amounts of money? Yes, they’re called medical doctors. They perform their skills to the ill in hospitals – while these charlatans dish out holy rubbish in packed stadiums for the gullible. Case in point, there has yet to be one confirmed medical acknowledgement of a healing at the hands of these two swindlers. The second phenomenon is less lethal but far more common. Wealth and an ‘abundant harvest’ await those that sow ‘faith seeds’ in the correct ministry. This is advertised in Popoff’s commercials as well as my personal favorite, Rockwealth Ministries. According to Rockwealth’s founder, Todd Coontz, you only need to plant a seed, which constitutes sending his institution copious amounts of money, to have miraculous deposits appear in your bank account. While this is the extreme side of it, the prosperity gospel of Joel Osteen and other Word of Faith groups is not that different. What these ‘ministries’ have mastered is the credulousness of their audience. Apparently God wants all of his children, who are only evangelical Christians of course, to be rich and famous. There appears to be some misconstrued connection between monetary benefit and divine favor. And what’s more ‘- all of this can all be yours if the tithe is right. So what does every one of these quacks have in common? None are educated to a respectable clerical level, and all profess the gift of divine prophecy – minus Osteen, who rarely professes anything. So not only do we have a mass of unqualified clergymen, but they also speak with a divine authority – raining curses upon those who challenge them. Here’s a challenge, oh ye swindlers. Find me one biblical prophet who enjoyed his or her duty – or danced on a stage in a $1,000 suit. Justify the outlandish salaries you partake from tithes that finance mansions and sports cars. And finally, compare your broadcasts of fiscal blessings with the condemnations of the rich from Jesus of Nazareth. You’re not ‘prophets’ – you’re ‘profits,’ and you can all go to hell. Andrew Robertson is a 22-year-old religious studies senior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_arobertson. —– Contact Andrew Robertson at [email protected]