Les Miles and Chancellor Michael Martin, all of whom are under major scrutiny in the University community.
 
Of these three, however, Jefferson and Miles are put in a position every Saturday to redeem themselves.
All it takes is one bullet from the former’s arm to beat Tennessee on Saturday, to appease the mass of Tiger lunatics and justify both his and Miles’ athletic existences.
 
It’s like both are standing on the third floor of Middleton Library at the entrance to the bathroom: Glory is just around the corner.
 
Martin’s job is similar to that of the man on the other side of the hole: It really sucks.
 
Forced with a last resort of tuition and fee increases, Martin is locked in a stall of fiscal woe with no one else to help bear the load, and the budget cutting is only making the financial glory hole bigger.
 
However, there’s hope yet for our University.
 
A recent report from the Brookings Institution listed Baton Rouge as one of the 20 strongest-performing metro area economies in the country, which presents us with an opportunity.
 
The University must use the Red Stick to plug the hole up once and for all.
 
But while the hole and the local economy are expanding, the window of opportunity is shrinking.
 
A strong economy in our state is rarer than a snowball fight in July. Because the Legislature doesn’t have any immediate plans of a higher education bailout, we must turn to the private sector for funds before it’s too late.
 
The first step we must take into private donation is to follow the example of Bobby Jindal — let’s simply whore ourselves out to raise the cash.
 
According to BayouBuzz.com, Jindal partnered with a New Orleans-based law firm to host a fundraiser for his own upcoming re-election campaign, and will be charging $1,000 a guest.
 
If citizens are willing to pay $1,000 to hang with Jindal, imagine what they would pay for dinner with Mike the Tiger. I’d pay a quite a bit to watch Mike make playthings of a few Louisiana politicians and lawyers myself.
However, if we want to retain some level of dignity, there are other options.
 
The University could partner with the Tiger Athletic Foundation to raise funds. After all, if there’s no University, there’s no TAF, and the athletics on campus are our biggest asset.
 
Perhaps an auction would be a good method of partnership.
 
 If the offense doesn’t start improving, I know several Tiger fans who would break the bank for 15 minutes of face time with Gary Crowton.
 
And imagine the bids for a date with Patrick Peterson. He has garnered plenty of man crushes among the Tiger faithful, and if the price isn’t right, he can do the Heisman on any hoe with no dough.
 
Finally, we could initiate a campus-wide lottery. Charge $10 a ticket, and the winner gets a degree from any University college of his choice. The University would do well to actually profit off of these depreciating assets.
 
After all, a degree these days is merely a placebo, an illusion of competence attained far too cheaply and easily.
 
A lottery would at least create incentive within the market for a product incapable of additional cheapening. Who says you can’t put a price on education?
 
So, University community, there it is. The Flagship is sinking, and the students don’t care.
 
Tuition and fee increases will only vilify the administration even more among students, so they would be wise to heed my advice and turn to private solutions to patch up the fiscal hole.
 
If nothing else, it will lighten the load and allow everyone to breathe some of that good fall air — at least temporarily.
 
 
 
Cody Worsham is a 21-year-old mass communication senior from Baton Rouge. Follow him on Twitter @TDR_Cworsham.
 
 
 
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Contact Cody Worsham at [email protected]