On the Internet there exists a place more downtrodden than the heart of southeast Raleigh. It is a place that is seedier than FUBAR. It is a place where criminals as young as 10 run rampant through its pages. It’s a place in need of some law enforcement. Its time we start cracking down on all of the criminal activity on Facebook.

It is unclear at this point whether people know of their crimes or not; whatever the case, I hope you will start bringing these felons to justice.

Defamation of Character

Rick Ross and Wiz may have some inspired lyrics but are done a disservice, even defamed, when posted by some. There is nothing that hurts the credibility of a rapper more than a white-bred ITB (inside the beltline) kid making it their status. Tell them that if they really love a rapper, and want to keep them credible, they should show them their love by not telling anyone about it.

Sexual Harassment

Poking.

Withholding Payment

You may be entitled to money if you have ever logged onto Facebook. Your feed is likely clogged with people who have mistaken Facebook for their diary, or the couple that has confused the wall-post and chat features.  As their posts render you a psychologist or couples counselor, you are entitled to be paid for your work. Next time someone posts a status about how hard life is, like it and send them an invoice.

Soliciting

Legally, the only person who has a right to guilt-trip you for no reason is your grandmother. Do not stand for people posting statuses that insinuate you are doomed to hell or cause a cancer patient to die if you do not repost. Chain letters are strictly zoned to clog up your email not your feed.

Freedom of information violations

For some reason, a couple people on Facebook believe they do not have to disclose pertinent information. You and I deserve answers; we deserve a certain level of information about these people. We are not asking for social security numbers here, all were asking for is a description of who you are.

Those in relationships have a civic duty to disclose that information. A profile that reads single and looking for fun is misleading unless it’s true, and then that’s just concerning for the person’s partner.

Those who friend people with little or no connection have a duty to identify themselves. If I scan someone’s profile pictures, am five pictures deep and still have no idea who they are, then I feel as though they’re hiding something.

If you know someone like this, pull a Wikileaks and give the world the information they will not. We Facebook-stalk for a reason, and it’s not to get fraudulent information.

In addition to the criminal activity on Facebook, there are certain behaviors committed that, while not illegal, are signs of diseases that necessitate treatment. 

Hoarding

Hoarding, while not a physical disease, is still a disease that should be treated. Before treatment can begin the problem must be identified. Keep your eye out for anyone that has more quotes than friends. Once found, kindly inform the person that the aim of the quotes section is to outline favorite phrases, not every sentence they’ve ever heard. 

Information Vomiting

Like the flu there is a seasonal sickness that affects the people of Facebook. Twice a year a curious thing happens on Facebook; people post their schedules for the next semester. Nobody cares about these posts except for the people who want to steal your stuff. Those people really appreciate it. If these symptoms are not treated, soon full blown information vomiting will ensue. These people will start posting about the weather, their study habits or, worst of all, their feelings. Treat this at the first sign of disease.

I thank you for helping me clean up the pages of Facebook. If after informing someone of their illegal behavior or their disease, they do not cease or seek treatment, unfriend them and contact the police or the CDC.