Well, let me start off by apologizing to our beloved Tom Benson.
I am so sorry you and your family did not feel comfortable in our fair city. I’m sure we didn’t mean to frighten you.
Come back – please. We won’t hurt you. I promise. Come back. We love you, Tom Benson.
So this weekend is Homecoming here at LSU, and I for one am too excited for words. My mother is coming down for the festivities, and she says she’s gonna party like it’s 1972. And just for a little reference, in 1972 my mother took a year off school to go on tour with The Grand Funk Railroad.
I mean don’t you just love Homecoming week? All the fun games, the scavenger hunt, the lip-sync – it’s a riot. It’s a regular hoot! And I hear that while the seniors are paddling the freshman, the juniors are going to toilet paper some of the seniors’ cars. And let us not forget earlier this week when the sophomores spelled out “Class of ’08 Rocks” with plastic cups on the side of a chain-linked metal fence.
And speaking of Homecoming, how would you feel if you were the team scheduled to be a Top Ten-ranked team’s homecoming game? That can’t be much of a self-esteem booster. And here’s a question for you: who in the hell does Appalachian State play for their homecoming – some South Carolina high school team? I bet their homecoming week events are a lot like ours – tug-of-wars, homeroom banner competitions – you know, cool stuff like that.
Who gets to drive the convertibles the Homecoming court rides on? Is it whoever owns the car, or is the driver of the homecoming chariot, like a runner up for court or something? I don’t think that’s it because it always seems to be some douche-bag that drives the soft top. I always thought it was the girl’s boyfriend or something.
But you know what I’m talking about. They always have this poo-eating grin on their face, popping the double guns at their friends. Sometimes they even throw candy.
That really pisses me off. You don’t get to throw candy. You didn’t win anything. You’re just the douche-bag driving the car.
I wanna drive the car. I wanna throw candy. Come back Tom Benson. You can ride in my car and throw candy at all your adoring fans.
Come back, Tom, come back.
Jay raids Barry Manilow’s wardrobe. Contact him at [email protected]
OFF THE CUFF
November 4, 2005