As a youngster, one year I desperately wanted to be a California Raisin for Halloween. So my mother dutifully fashioned a costume from garbage bags, a leotard and tights.
Tragedy struck on Halloween night – it was cold outside and my mother was not letting me wear just a garbage bag and tights. We compromised – I wore a sweater, a pink one, underneath my costume. I was forced to tell everyone I was a California Raisin with strawberry filling. (I’m serious.)
I never recovered. My costume casualties only continued as I got older.
Last year I went as “Miss Tidy Bowl” to spoof Louisiana beauty pageants. However, I left my toilet brush scepter at home and my toilet paper sash broke 15 minutes into the night. Consequently, I spent the majority of Halloween explaining why I was in a high school formal with bad hair and makeup and looking like I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Tres sexy.
One year I went as a teeny-bopper to the Carlotta Street Halloween party – no one got it. Last year I just wore bar clothes to Carlotta, and people commented on how great my costume was. (They weren’t being sarcastic.) This made me wonder if I needed to go shopping for new bar clothes.
My costume crises are common to college kids come Halloween — zilch budget, little planning time and even less creativity. We end up scrounging around for something that screams “costume.”
Fear not — I’ve compiled some guidelines for college Halloweening.
In our younger years, costumes served practical purposes – they couldn’t strangle us and had to be bright enough to keep passing cars from flattening us. Adult costumes should combine these two things and have an edge — sex appeal.
Judging from costumes of Halloweens past, sex often becomes the main focus. Costumers beware – sacrificing safety and comfort may win a few contests. But ripping your too-tight outfit because you fell off your platform shoes and wrenched your ankle is far from sexy.
While we’re talking about sexiness, let’s get one thing straight. Ladies, if you plan to dress as a prostitute (or Britney Spears), don’t pull a short skirt from your closet and try to “skank it up.” You will be asked where your costume is.
If you think teasing your hair and wearing too much eyeliner will make a well-worn tube top from your second semester into a costume, be prepared to be proved wrong.
Are you broke? Donating plasma to purchase a costume might leave you with track marks suitable for dressing as a junkie – but it really isn’t necessary.
Consider going classical and donning a toga. Rip sheets off your bed and wrap yourself in this catch all costume.
The ancient Romans were on to something with their comfy party clothes. (They didn’t wear togas like we’re used to seeing in “Animal House” and they, unfortunately, didn’t have toga parties either.)
The “Animal House” toga is great because it’s cheap and combines the necessary comfort and safety factors with as much sexiness as the wearer desires. (You’re wrapped in a bedsheet. You’re literally between the sheets with yourself all night long.)
To scandalize your toga, reduce the amount of clothing you wear underneath it. Just remember — if you wear no bra and a thong beneath your sheets, that’s all you’ll be in all night long.
Males have it easier than females, I’ve found. Guys in costumes are just cool. For one, many male Halloween costumes are tight, which is funny, because while many women wear clothes that accentuate certain body parts, most males hardly ever do.
If you’re a guy, I have the perfect costume for you. Be a drunk ballerina. Why? Because a guy in tights and a tutu is hysterical. Why drunk? Because few self-respecting males would do it sober. (And how cool is a sober guy in a tiara?)
I would however like to appeal to the boys — stop dressing in polyester as hip guys from the 70s. (Wear a toga for crying out loud.) You don’t look groovy, and orange and baby blue don’t do much for the complexion.
My favorite guy Halloween costumes usually involve some sort of carpentry. At Fred’s last year I saw one group of guys dressed as “One Night Stands.” They were wearing lampshades on their heads and nightstands around their waists. (Get it?)
Remember the shower costume from the Karate Kid? I ducked in one with some guy at the bar last year. Most people appreciate resourcefulness and a private place could some in handy if someone decides to show you what’s underneath his or her toga.
The moral of the story? Halloween doesn’t have to be a wash if you just give it the old college try. (And when in doubt, for crying out loud, just wear a toga.)